"Lassie's and Gentleman, thes es your conductor' blitherin'. Apologies for the poor' service or'reet but our drivers are an absoloot' mare... We're currently' been' attacked by eh pack of wild bagpipes who ar' neppin' awee' and havin a reet square gaw' at the treen', bitin oot chunks wit their bare teeth. Eff you're thenkin' of havin a wee sleep, fockin' forget et, we're going full bore all the wee, saw expect som' bumps and shemmies. Good luck, ya fockin' BAWBAGS! Peace oot'"