"Hi, I'm Shameless John, from 'Shameless John's Ugly-Ass Unheard-Of Hardware™'. Is caring for your knob becoming too difficult? [Insert cut to grayscale scene; Knob Lobber #3 attempting to care for knob, resulting in catastrophic, medical emergency level failure] Is lobbing just becoming a huge chore? [Insert cut: CEO of Knobs on tropical vacation- wait- wrong tape, cut it off-] Introducing, the AUTO-LOBBER! This device will automatically lob your knob(s) at any and even all hours of the day! Simply power it on, confirm the power-on request via the secondary on-button, authorize this process through the third on-button, agree to the terms of service after reading all 443 pages(MANDATORY), confirm you have completed steps 1-4 via the 4th on-button, then wait 1 hour for the 5th on-button to become available and press that one, allowing you to proceed to on-button #6, where you can [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] until [REDACTED] but make sure not to [REDACTED] or [REDACTED]. This phase is critical, do not mess up or fatal injuries may occur. The rest is downhill from there! So sit back, and relax, while AUTO-LOBBER lobs for YOU!

Legal disclaimer: autolobber,shamelessjohn,orshamelessjohn'suglyassunheardofhardwareisnotresponsibleforanymalfunctions,misuse,accidents,actsofgod,etc.resultinginminor,major,orfatalinjuriesthatoccurfromtheuse,orlackthereof,ofthedisplayedproduct.purchasingthisproductimmediatelywaivesyourrighttotakelegalactionagainsttheaforementionedentitiesregardingyoursatisfactionwiththepurchasedproductoranyotherconcern.refundswillnotbeprovidedtoanypartyforanyreason,requestingofarefundwillresultinalawsuitandanonnegotiablefineof3.5thousandunitedstatesdollars.failuretopaywillresultinmercenaryservicesbeingcontractedagainsttheoffendingpartyatthefallofthecontractingcompany."