hq of owen the hacker

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I jumped out of bed as I heard my Pepsi alarm clock go off. "Its time for Pepsi!" it yelled at me.
"I know Pepsiman will be at my 15th birthday today!" I thought with glee. Time to put on my Pepsi-underpants.
I ran down the stairs to find my parents where gone, with just a note to say "Happy birthday Josh, we'll be back later tonight".
I realized no-one would be at my birthday today, except my dog Pepsi. I went to pet him but he just pissed on the floor, so I decided not to get closer.
I went outside to see if my mail came, because 4 months earlier I had ordered a Pepsiman action figure for my birthday, knowing my parents wouldn't get me anything.
I gasped *Gasp* as I saw the package, covered in dog feces, but I didn't care because I had my new favorite Pepsiman collector item in reach.
I slammed it down on the kitchen counter and ripped open the feces covered box, to find exactly what I wanted. Pepsiman, in all his greatness, mint in box.
I stumbled up the stairs and into my room to find the first good place to put down my new collectors item. I had been saving this spot on my desk for months now, just waiting for the package. I was so filled with glee
that curiousness overwhelmed me, so I reached to open the box. Whilst my hand reached for the box, it seemed like time slowed, and two parts of my mind raged a war. "Don't open the box, it's a collectors item!" said one side.
"Its a toy, meant to be played with!" said the other. Eventually, I decided that it was worth it to open it. Upon being opened, it seemed like it was almost glowing. Eventually that "almost" became a "definite" as I was blinded by his glory.
He seemed to grow in my hands, till I could no longer hold him, and he fell to the floor. "Pepsiman... You're alive!" I said. "Yes I am, dear child!" as he grabbed me and bent me over in front of him. "What are we doing Pepsiman? Is this a game?"
"Yes child" he whispered. "Its your new favorite game" as he shoved a Pepsican into my anus." *gasp* ""Geez Pepsiman!" I screamed "Ive never played this game before!"
My face puckered as he moved the can deeper. "Pepsiman... I feel weird..." I moaned. "It's ok child. Just let everything that happens, happen."
I entered a state of almost complete bliss as the can bent under the force of my anus. Suddenly, in the middle of this amazing feat that had consumed my mind, my door creaked. I limply moved my head to the side to barely see the outline of my mother.
She was in complete shock as she rushed to remove the Pepsican I got for my birthday from my anus.
I looked to the side, only to see Pepsiman was gone. I passed out and went into an anus coma for 3 months.
When I awoke in the hospital bed, the toy was gone, along with Pepsiman.
The nurse called for my mother, who rushed in to see me. She spoke to me in a calming voice "You had to go under extreme intensive care for your Pepsianusinitus. Sadly it was a failure and it is now stitched into your body. You can never poop again." In terror I gasped *gasp*.
"Though I do have a single question, besides why a Pepsican was lodged in your anus. I found this in your room, on your bed." It was Pepsiman's mask, with a signed T-Shirt that read "Good job child, I have never seen anyone take the Pepsican that far. - Pepsiman"
"I love you Pepsiman" I whispered as I saw him flying past the moon in the distance.
-The End