Die Cis Die

There are mice, and there are men. And then there are rats. Rats, you see, are the intersection of men and mice. Diminutive like mice, and smart like humans, they carry the good traits of both mouse and human, capable of breeding rapidly and outsmarting predator and prey. They are not to be confused with the ratman, which is the intersection of rat and man, thus being three fourths man and one fourth mouse. I propose that the rat is the dominant species on this Earth- for among the three species known to humankind, all good traits of the other two species are strictly subsets of the traits of rats, while all bad traits of rats are strictly subsets of the bad traits of mice or men. Thus they are mathematically superior to all others.

It is possible, of course, that there are more species that might compete with rats for their title as the G.O.A.T. (Greatest of all Time, henceforth G.O.A.T.s will be referred to as goats). For example, some may argue that sheep are goats, for they carry a thick wool coat and graze in packs. Rats, on the other hand, cannot graze on grass, they eat trash. But just as goats are known to eat trash, rats eat trash. And humans, an inferior species, tend to produce trash. It thus becomes clear that rats are more like goats than sheep, and thus rats are goats. Sheep are eliminated from the competition. Furthermore, since sheep are kin to goats, goats are in the same category as sheep, and thus inferior to R.A.T.s.

One may interject and say, "But wait, men have been on the moon. Can the same be said for rats?" This is a trick question. It cannot be definitively proven that rats have not been on the moon, nor has it been proven that man has been. It is common knowledge that the American moon landing was a hoax created to intimidate the Russians in the Cold War. However, it is also common knowledge that rats were used to test the worthiness of spacecraft, and thus it is possible that one of the many test rockets reached the moon without human knowledge. Furthermore, as the moon is made of cheese, reaching the moon holds no great significance for man, but great significance for rat. Following Pascal's Wager, even if we were quite certain humans reached the moon and rats did not, we still must give more credit to the rats, for they have statistically gained the most.

Thus I conclude my argument that rats are pretty good in most regards, and likely dominant over mice in the food chain. They carry the plague and fight each other for dominance, like wolves, the apex predators, known to eat sheep. Next time you set a mouse trap, ask yourself "Might this harm a rat?" And if the answer is yes, please, reconsider.