This game is riveting, filled with only the SPICIEST of allusions to movies like the Titanic, and also, the Titanic (only Leo's version though). My mouth was watering with suspense at having the surprising "Caught by Mom" ending that is sure to leave you in tears of bliss for downloading this game, but mostly, tears of sadness for the fact that you downloaded this game. I suggest not showing this to anyone, for it is a deep experience that I wish I had encountered as a 12 year-old girl playing with Barbies. Alas, those were days of yore...and my Barbie dolls were good Christians.

Besides the emotional s̶c̶a̶r̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ jarring of this game, the gameplay itself was not as up to par as I hoped. I will be metaphorically ripping this game a new plastic bumhole. WASD control is key (pun absolutely intended) in any FPS, especially with the nauseating aspect ratio and panning between the mother at the door and the girl near the fireplace. And just like most modern pizzas of today, where is the stuffed cheesy crust? That is the number one thing I want in a pie, and they just ain't delivering, that's DiGiorno for ya'. But I digress...there is little more time to put into this game than the actual amount of time coitus is performed. That is about all that is realistic, even though this game is clearly a ripoff of the fictitious Nancy Drew series. At least they casted a strong female protagonist, whose grunts and "ews" have me reminiscing of Jimmy Fallon's pop culture icon "Ew". It could use a little more cowbell, and cheese. I ordered a Diet Dr. Kelp and the Krusty Krab just didn't have its head in the game, you know? That offense was looking a little weak in the playoffs I don't know if they will make it to the tournament.

But with jests aside, the spinning brought on by pressing the "J" and "K" keys will have anyone Beyonce dancing as they speedrun (there is no choice, you speed run this game or it does it for you in about two minutes) through this fantastic masterpiece. Perhaps I was being a bit bipolar about calling this both a shipwreck and a masterpiece, but it begs the question, why not both in this post-modern era? Andy Warhol did it, and so can you. And at the end of the day, what is weirder? A purple talking squirrel on Dora (Tico is love, tico is life), which is meant to be an educational young hispanic girl's show, or this beautiful game about a humanistic, Freudian, Neitzche, Orwellian dystopia fanfic. Top that, Fifty Shades of Grey.

Both my friend and I were surely perplexed at first about where the standoff between the mother and child was going to go when you "get caught", but clearly this alternate ending just means Easter came early this year. Besides, this is like any great climax in literature: when Luke finds out Darth Vader is his father, when Indiana Jones almost gets his heart ripped out, and when Napoleon Dynamite finally spreads his wings at Happy Hands Club. Plus I could've sworn Tommy Wisseau did the voice acting, since the critically aclaimed "The Room" back in '03, when Kobe and Shaq were at the top of their game on the Lakers. In addition, why is my score not certain? I may have done "it" 188 times?

To summarize, I'd like to quote A̶r̶e̶t̶h̶a̶ ̶F̶r̶a̶n̶k̶l̶i̶n̶ Gloria Gaynor. "First I was afraid I was petrified." Indeed, I was petrified more than Hermione Granger (unsurprisingly played by an uppity feminist not unlike the women who made this game) in Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Big Snake. But who can blame these girls, in the heat of the moment at a game jam, for boiling down the pure aesthetics of sex into a 500 x 500 pixel window? I would certainly have done that in Ludum Dare (had I bothered participating in it [one of these days]). All in all, this is a watershed moment in gaming history, much like the Titanic was a watershed moment in nautical engineering over a century ago. Act like James Cameron got the scene right in the car when Leo and Kate were dry humping each other like beached dolphins. You simply CANNOT find this kind of interactive gold at the bottom of the sea, no matter how much money you spend on underwater robots. Flobots were right, and I quoth, "I can make computers survive aquatic conditions". Since their name is a portmanteau of "flow" and "robots", I think they know what they are rapping about.

I had to wash my hands of this game, literally with hand sanitizer just to symbolically predicate the fact that I uninstalled this horror. "I've washed my hands of you" - Love Grenades

I want a DLC/Sequel to this game more than Watch Dogs 2. Maybe a boy playing with action figures, less the hypersexualization of Wonder Women. Hell, make that one ABOUT hypersexualization in the media. Also perhaps a Konami code that uses Kamasutra positions of the dolls to get achievements. That's saying A LOT. Like AAAA LOOOOOOT.

10^e-5/10e-6 Free Game Is Free. LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ!!!

This game is riveting, filled with only the SPICIEST of allusions to movies like the Titanic, and also, the Titanic (only Leo's version though). My mouth was watering with suspense at having the surprising "Caught by Mom" ending that is sure to leave you in tears of bliss for downloading this game, but mostly, tears of sadness for the fact that you downloaded this game. I suggest not showing this to anyone, for it is a deep experience that I wish I had encountered as a 12 year-old girl playing with Barbies. Alas, those were days of yore...and my Barbie dolls were good Christians. Besides the emotional s̶c̶a̶r̶r̶i̶n̶g̶ jarring of this game, the gameplay itself was not as up to par as I hoped. I will be metaphorically ripping this game a new plastic bumhole. WASD control is key (pun absolutely intended) in any FPS, especially with the nauseating aspect ratio and panning between the mother at the door and the girl near the fireplace. And just like most modern pizzas of today, where is the stuffed cheesy crust? That is the number one thing I want in a pie, and they just ain't delivering, that's DiGiorno for ya'. But I digress...there is little more time to put into this game than the actual amount of time coitus is performed. That is about all that is realistic, even though this game is clearly a ripoff of the fictitious Nancy Drew series. At least they casted a strong female protagonist, whose grunts and "ews" have me reminiscing of Jimmy Fallon's pop culture icon "Ew". It could use a little more cowbell, and cheese. I ordered a Diet Dr. Kelp and the Krusty Krab just didn't have its head in the game, you know? That offense was looking a little weak in the playoffs I don't know if they will make it to the tournament. But with jests aside, the spinning brought on by pressing the "J" and "K" keys will have anyone Beyonce dancing as they speedrun (there is no choice, you speed run this game or it does it for you in about two minutes) through this fantastic masterpiece. Perhaps I was being a bit bipolar about calling this both a shipwreck and a masterpiece, but it begs the question, why not both in this post-modern era? Andy Warhol did it, and so can you. And at the end of the day, what is weirder? A purple talking squirrel on Dora (Tico is love, tico is life), which is meant to be an educational young hispanic girl's show, or this beautiful game about a humanistic, Freudian, Neitzche, Orwellian dystopia fanfic. Top that, Fifty Shades of Grey. Both my friend and I were surely perplexed at first about where the standoff between the mother and child was going to go when you "get caught", but clearly this alternate ending just means Easter came early this year. Besides, this is like any great climax in literature: when Luke finds out Darth Vader is his father, when Indiana Jones almost gets his heart ripped out, and when Napoleon Dynamite finally spreads his wings at Happy Hands Club. Plus I could've sworn Tommy Wisseau did the voice acting, since the critically aclaimed "The Room" back in '03, when Kobe and Shaq were at the top of their game on the Lakers. In addition, why is my score not certain? I may have done "it" 188 times? To summarize, I'd like to quote A̶r̶e̶t̶h̶a̶ ̶F̶r̶a̶n̶k̶l̶i̶n̶ Gloria Gaynor. "First I was afraid I was petrified." Indeed, I was petrified more than Hermione Granger (unsurprisingly played by an uppity feminist not unlike the women who made this game) in Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Big Snake. But who can blame these girls, in the heat of the moment at a game jam, for boiling down the pure aesthetics of sex into a 500 x 500 pixel window? I would certainly have done that in Ludum Dare (had I bothered participating in it [one of these days]). All in all, this is a watershed moment in gaming history, much like the Titanic was a watershed moment in nautical engineering over a century ago. Act like James Cameron got the scene right in the car when Leo and Kate were dry humping each other like beached dolphins. You simply CANNOT find this kind of interactive gold at the bottom of the sea, no matter how much money you spend on underwater robots. Flobots were right, and I quoth, "I can make computers survive aquatic conditions". Since their name is a portmanteau of "flow" and "robots", I think they know what they are rapping about. I had to wash my hands of this game, literally with hand sanitizer just to symbolically predicate the fact that I uninstalled this horror. "I've washed my hands of you" - Love Grenades I want a DLC/Sequel to this game more than Watch Dogs 2. Maybe a boy playing with action figures, less the hypersexualization of Wonder Women. Hell, make that one ABOUT hypersexualization in the media. Also perhaps a Konami code that uses Kamasutra positions of the dolls to get achievements. That's saying A LOT. Like AAAA LOOOOOOT. 10^e-5/10e-6 Free Game Is Free. LIBERTÉ, ÉGALITÉ, FRATERNITÉ!!!