Lately, I have been thinking about tractors. A lot. Inordinate, inappropriate, obscene amounts of thinking. I’ve been considering the origin and development of tractors, the changing styles and the technological advancements. The colors, shapes and forms of various tractors have haunted my dreams. The potential usefulness (or lack thereof) of a tractor as a post-apocalyptic survival tool has been mapped on bar napkin stratagems. The necessity of a tractor in fulfilling my poser-farmer fantasy has been diagrammed in a matrix involving the price of a tractor, the size of my salary and my adequacy as an actual farmer. The data was thrown out after it proved disappointing. In lieu of a long-term relationship with a tractor, I’ve considered renting. It would be like prostitution with heavy equipment.