I used to be indecisive...
…now I’m not sure.

Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces.
Like… I’m going to the liquor store and I’m afraid it’s closed.

My pet rock ran away.
It left a note that said, “I’m boulder now.”

I asked the librarian if they had books on paranoia.
She whispered, “They're right behind you.”

Light travels faster than sound.
That’s why some people appear bright… until they speak.

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was out-standing in his field.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

I told my suitcase we weren’t going on vacation.
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

My friend said he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, “That makes two of us.”

The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray…
is now a seasoned veteran.

I once dated a girl who was a tennis player.
Love meant nothing to her.

I named my dog “5 Miles” so I can say I walk 5 Miles every day.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture
and they hand you the camera.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

My math teacher called me average.
How mean.

Why don’t graveyards ever get overcrowded?
Because people are dying to get in.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club is…
Wait, where am I?

If I ever get kidnapped, I hope they take me to a buffet.
So at least I’ll be full of regret and shrimp.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

I bought a thesaurus.
It was so bad, I have no words.

When life gives you melons…
You might be dyslexic.

I used to play piano by ear.
Now I use my hands.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.

What do you call a group of musical whales?
An orca-stra.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted…
I wish I had a puppy.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We’ll see about that.

If a child refuses to nap, are they resisting a rest?

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.

I put my root beer in a square glass.
Now it’s just beer.

Not to brag, but I just completed a puzzle in 7 days.
The box said 2–4 years..  UWU