i pick up my guitar and begin lazily echoing through scales. it's freeing; an escape from the prison of the now. a moment of freedom to express myself without fallible, untrustworthy words. but in doing so, i hit a landmine i know is there:

i slide a D to an E, and suddenly im in 2005, playing this same guitar - fumbling. hundreds of hours of Guitar Hero had prepped me for the rhythm of it, but not the technical diligence. i dont even bother using a pick, im just not there yet. but im happy. my dad paid for it, but i knew it was my mom's idea, and they both believed in me. i slide a D to an E.

and then im back in the now, where they're both long gone. i sweep pick through a fiery solo to a fake song. its impressively clean, until the final note. as with so many things, consistency is the real challenge. we are machines for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ up, and we have to keep fighting not to be. i think everyone yearns for inhumanity, in their own way. maybe one day i will hold myself to a reasonable standard. it can be hard to do that though, because I believe in myself.

so then why am I unable to do it? im distracted. unstuck. present and past leaks out of the strings - riffs written by dead heroes, a devouring self-awareness of why i'm actually doing this, and a pit in my stomach as i recognize its not good enough, for me.

i can still feel what isn't there. i can feel the outline, the silhouette. it isn't filled, and im not sure how i can fix that. im starting to doubt i ever will. i believe in myself, but that does little to tame the Need currently trying to claw its way out of chest. I wish you were here.

I stop. I take a deep breath, and choose to be kinder to myself. My shoulders relax as I play a new chord, while i think about how UNBEATABLE is REALLY good and everyone should play it.

i pick up my guitar and begin lazily echoing through scales. it's freeing; an escape from the prison of the now. a moment of freedom to express myself without fallible, untrustworthy words. but in doing so, i hit a landmine i know is there: i slide a D to an E, and suddenly im in 2005, playing this same guitar - fumbling. hundreds of hours of Guitar Hero had prepped me for the rhythm of it, but not the technical diligence. i dont even bother using a pick, im just not there yet. but im happy. my dad paid for it, but i knew it was my mom's idea, and they both believed in me. i slide a D to an E. and then im back in the now, where they're both long gone. i sweep pick through a fiery solo to a fake song. its impressively clean, until the final note. as with so many things, consistency is the real challenge. we are machines for fucking up, and we have to keep fighting not to be. i think everyone yearns for inhumanity, in their own way. maybe one day i will hold myself to a reasonable standard. it can be hard to do that though, because I believe in myself. so then why am I unable to do it? im distracted. unstuck. present and past leaks out of the strings - riffs written by dead heroes, a devouring self-awareness of why i'm actually doing this, and a pit in my stomach as i recognize its not good enough, for me. i can still feel what isn't there. i can feel the outline, the silhouette. it isn't filled, and im not sure how i can fix that. im starting to doubt i ever will. i believe in myself, but that does little to tame the Need currently trying to claw its way out of chest. I wish you were here. I stop. I take a deep breath, and choose to be kinder to myself. My shoulders relax as I play a new chord, while i think about how UNBEATABLE is REALLY good and everyone should play it.