Recent reviews by VeX

Cooking Simulator 2: Better Together feels less like a sequel and more like a public execution of everything that made the first game fun.

The multiplayer is a disaster. Not a cute, chaotic kitchen disaster, a full-on “servers held together by chewing gum and denial” disaster. You and your friend aren’t cooking together, you’re experiencing two completely different realities stitched together by lag spikes and broken promises. One of you drops a pan, the other sees it teleport into orbit. It’s less co-op and more paranormal investigation.

The controls are somehow worse than before, which is honestly impressive in the worst possible way. Cooking Simulator 1 had jank, sure, but it was the kind you could wrestle into submission. Here, every action feels like you’re trying to perform surgery while wearing five pairs of gloves and someone keeps nudging your elbow. Picking anything up feels delayed, placing anything down feels wrong, and basic tasks become a slow, painful negotiation with the game engine. It’s just suffering. Pure suffering.

And then there’s the galaxy-brain decision to remove simple quality-of-life features. A customer orders food and the recipe just… doesn’t show up. Why? Who asked for that? Now you’re digging through menus like you’re decoding ancient scrolls just to figure out how to cook a basic dish while the clock mocks you.

It genuinely feels like the developers took everything that worked in Cooking Simulator 1, loaded it into a cannon, and fired it directly into the sun. What’s left is a clunky, lag-ridden mess that turns cooking into a chore and cooperation into a test of patience.

I would rather spend an entire weekend trying to cook a five-course meal using only a spoon and a broken microwave than ever touch this again.

*** GETS HEAD BLOWN OFF BY A LEE-ENFIELD .303 ROUND AT CLOSE RANGE. BULLET SMASHES THROUGH MY FOREHEAD. MY SKULL EXPLODES OUT THE BACK IN A SPRAY OF BONE FRAGMENTS AND GREY MATTER. MY VISION FLASHES WHITE THEN BLACK. MY BODY DROPS LIKE A SACK OF MEAT WHILE MY EYES STAY OPEN STARING AT NOTHING ***
*** GETS CAUGHT IN A BRITISH 18-POUNDER BARRAGE. SHELLS LAND ALL AROUND ME. ONE DIRECT HIT VAPORIZES MY LOWER HALF INTO RED MIST. MY UPPER TORSO FLIES TEN FEET AND LANDS IN THE MUD. I FEEL MY OWN SPINE SNAP. MY INTESTINES SPILL OUT WARM ACROSS MY CHEST. I TRY TO SCREAM BUT MY LUNGS ARE GONE. I BLEED OUT STARING AT MY OWN SEVERED LEGS STILL TWITCHING TWENTY YARDS AWAY ***
*** GETS HIT BY A GERMAN MAXIM MG08 BURST ACROSS THE CHEST. BULLETS RIP THROUGH MY RIBCAGE LIKE A CHAINSAW. MY LUNGS PUNCTURED AND COLLAPSING. MY HEART SHREDDED INTO PULP. I GURGLE BLOOD AS I FALL FORWARD. NEXT BURST TAKES OFF MY JAW AND PART OF MY FACE. I DIE CHOKING ON MY OWN TEETH AND BLOOD WHILE MY BODY JERKS LIKE A BROKEN PUPPET ***
*** STEPS ON A BRITISH No.5 MINE IN NO MAN'S LAND. EXPLOSION TEARS MY LEGS OFF AT THE KNEES. MY FEMURS SHATTERED AND JAGGED. ARTERIAL BLOOD SPRAYS IN HIGH ARCS FROM MY STUMPS. I FALL SCREAMING AND CRAWL USING MY ELBOWS. MY TRAIL OF GUTS AND BLOOD BEHIND ME. RATS ALREADY SMELL IT. I BLEED OUT STARING AT THE SKY WHILE MY LEGS LIE SMOKING A FEW FEET AWAY ***
*** GETS IMPALED ON BRITISH BARBED WIRE DURING A NIGHT RAID. THOUSANDS OF RUSTY BARBS TEAR INTO MY FLESH. HOOKS RIP THROUGH MY THIGHS AND ABDOMEN. I HANG THERE SCREAMING AS BLOOD POURS DOWN MY LEGS. RATS START CHEWING ON MY EXPOSED INTESTINES WHILE I'M STILL ALIVE. I HANG FOR HOURS SLOWLY BLEEDING OUT AND FREEZING IN THE MUD ***
*** INHALES A FULL CLOUD OF BRITISH-RELEASED CHLORINE GAS WITHOUT A MASK. MY THROAT BURNS SHUT INSTANTLY. MY LUNGS FILL WITH FOAMING ACID. I CLAW AT MY NECK RIPPING MY OWN SKIN OFF IN STRIPS. I VOMIT BLOOD AND YELLOW SLIME. MY EYES BLISTER AND TURN MILKY. I DROWN ON DRY LAND SCREAMING SILENTLY AS MY LUNGS DISSOLVE OVER THIRTY MINUTES ***
*** GETS BAYONETTED THROUGH THE GUT IN HAND-TO-HAND TRENCH FIGHTING. GERMAN BLADE DRIVES DEEP INTO MY STOMACH AND TWISTS. MY INTESTINES SPILL OUT LIKE STEAMING SAUSAGES. I GRAB AT THEM WITH SHAKING HANDS. THEY SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS. THE SOLDIER YANKS THE BLADE OUT AND RAMS IT THROUGH MY THROAT. I GURGLE AND DIE WATCHING MY OWN GUTS HIT THE GROUND ***
*** GETS NAILED BY A GERMAN 77mm FIELD GUN SHRAPNEL. HOT METAL SLICES ACROSS MY FACE AND NECK. MY JAW TORN OFF COMPLETELY. MY CAROTID ARTERY SEVERED. BLOOD SPRAYS IN RHYTHM WITH MY HEARTBEAT. I TRY TO SCREAM BUT ONLY BUBBLES COME OUT OF MY RUINED MOUTH. I COLLAPSE FACE-DOWN IN THE MUD DROWNING IN MY OWN BLOOD ***
*** MUSTARD GAS SOAKS THROUGH MY GREATCOAT AND UNDERWEAR. BLISTERS ERUPT EVERYWHERE ON MY BODY. MY SKIN SLIDES OFF MY ARMS AND LEGS IN WET SHEETS. MY GENITALS SWELL AND BURST OPEN. I LIE IN AGONY FOR DAYS. MY EYES BLINDED. EVERY BREATH IS FIRE IN MY CHEST. INFECTION SETS IN. I DIE SCREAMING AS MY BODY GOES SEPTIC AND MAGGOTS START HATCHING UNDER MY PEELING SKIN ***
*** GETS BLOWN TO BITS BY A GERMAN MINENWERFER TRENCH MORTAR. SHELL LANDS RIGHT IN MY LAP. EXPLOSION TURNS MY BODY INTO A FINE PINK PASTE MIXED WITH MUD AND UNIFORM SCRAPS. ONLY MY BOOTS REMAIN UPRIGHT IN THE CRATER. BITS OF ME RAIN DOWN ON MY MATES FOR THE NEXT MINUTE WHILE THEY SCREAM MY NAME ***

ALLAH AU SNACKBAR

Most painful piece of ♥♥♥♥ i've ever played. Thank god they don't make games like this anymore.

Incredible narrative storytelling. Grounded in a way that feels both real while at the same time making room for comedy. Genuinely impressive.

nice

> Go to deck
> Load aircraft onto ramp
> Land Targets locked
> launch missiles
> Success, targets destroyed
> Dispatch aircraft to take out strangelrs
> Capture Nicolás Maduro
?
mfw that ♥♥♥♥ was real

This game is the ebodiment of Finnish Sisu

plas

Save your money, pirate this piece of crap!

Paradox, we don't respect what you do and what you're workin' for!
We're not giving you our support so you can make up some more
We'll do the right thing and the future will be clear
There will be no more DLC year after year!
Let's copy... let's copy that floppy!

Basically, it's just like going to the store
Taking the DLC, and walking out the door!

If you charge an outragous price, don't be surprised when people ain't gonna pay it!