Recent reviews by Papi Lucito

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The words "among us" appear AT LEAST five times in this game.

This game is peak

There is racism in this game.

Undertale for chads.

Play the game the fun way or die.

I will admit the only reason I bought Postal 2 was to spend the remaining dollar in my Steam wallet during the 2019 Steam Winter Sale event. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the contents of the game and must say that it was probably the greatest thing I have bought for 99 cents. That’s saying something considering the fact that I have bought an ENTIRE can of Pringles for that same price.

Postal 2 is a game for terrible people, and I mean that in the best possible way. You play as a psychopath who dresses like Neo from the Matrix if he was superstitious of extra-terrestrial lifeforms. The objective of Postal 2 is to complete a list of seemingly simple everyday tasks, but the town you live in is filled with colorful, insane characters who are for some inexplicable reason all armed to the brink with weapons. You will come face to face with illiterate arsonists, cannibalistic butchers, religious turf wars between Catholic priests and Muslim terrorists, and of course, child actor Gary Coleman.

One of the key aspects of Postal 2 is that it gives you free reign over how you complete these tasks. For instance, at the beginning of the game, you are given the task of cashing in a paycheck. You could simply wait in line and give the check to the bank employee at the counter, y’know like a normal person, OR you could break into the vault, drop the check, and grab as much money as you can before every police officer within a two mile radius shows up and absolutely obliterates you with a ceaseless barrage of lead. It’s awesome.

Postal 2 is definetly among the most vulgar games I have ever played. So much so, that there is a dedicated button to unzip your pants so you can p*ss on anything and anyone you desire. Never before have I felt such pity for a non-real character in a video game as when I laid down a sprinkle storm of urine upon on a poor, unsuspecting Postal 2 NPC to the point of which he vomited. I was rewarded for this unholy action with an achievement. That’s the video game equivalent of giving a Nobel Peace Prize to a man who burned down a small village in a third-world nation inhabited by impoverished, starving children.

At the end of the day, this review doesn’t do Postal 2 justice, and it’s just a game you have to experience for yourself. Or, y’know, you could just buy a can of Pringles. Your call.

Many years in the far future you will lie on your deathbed, thinking about this review of The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for PC. You will reminisce about how I called The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim the second best game of all time next to The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

And as you spend some of your last seconds of breathing air from this corporeal earth thinking back on what should be an insignificant, irrelevant comment about a video game on Steam, you will be thinking about one of two things. You could think about how you heeded the advice of this seemingly inconsequential review and played the game, of course probably having several hours of endless fun screwing around as a medieval badass, meeting interesting characters, and enjoying a video game to the greatest extent one could possibly enjoy it.

Or you could regret not heeding the advice of this seemingly inconsequential review, and not play the game. And as you lie there, inert, coming to terms with your imminent and inevitable death, you can't help but wonder what could've been. If you had just spent the measly $20 to buy this game and perhaps just tried it. Perhaps it would've been a mediocre experience. But on the other hand, it could've been an immensely enjoyable experience.

And as your sight begins to fail, the room grows darker and darker, your organs begin to fail one by one, and death's icy hand reaches out to pull you down into the void, your last thought will be the realization that you would never know. As the neurons in your brain permeate this thought throughout your head, you will die.