Q: Who are you?
A: I am Saruman, the Goat, Lord of the Buy Phase, Master of the Full Save, and Architect of Your Losing Streak. I was once patient… then I queued CS2.

Q: Why are you top fragging while my team can’t aim?
A: Because while you practiced excuses, I studied spray patterns. While you blamed ping, I mastered crosshair placement. While you dry peeked mid… I waited. 🧙‍♂️

Q: Why do you always know where I am?
A: Walls? No. Cheats? No.
I simply hear your footsteps from spawn, for you stomp across the map like an orc in Crocs.

Q: Why do you swing every corner so confidently?
A: Because fear is for players who reload after 3 bullets. I swing knowing you will miss the first shot, panic the second, and blame recoil on the third.

Q: Why do you always have money when we’re broke?
A: Economy is a language you never learned. You force every round like a fool. I save… and return with rifles forged in Isengard.

Q: Why do my flashes never work on you?
A: Because you flash after you peek. I flash before you think.

Q: Why do you crouch spray like a bot?
A: Because bots are predictable. I am inevitable.

Q: Why do you type “nice shot” every round?
A: It is not kindness. It is psychological warfare.

Q: Why do you never rotate late?
A: Because your fake is louder than your mic.

Q: Why does it feel like you’re always holding my angle?
A: Because you peek the same angle every round like it owes you money.

Q: Why do you win clutches so calmly?
A: Panic is for players who don’t clear corners. I clear corners. You clear Discord notifications.

Q: Why do you knife out rotate faster than us?
A: Because I trust my aim enough to risk humiliation. You don’t.

Q: Why do you never flame in chat?
A: Because silence hurts more than words. The scoreboard speaks for me.

Q: Why do you look so relaxed after killing me?
A: Because I already expected it.

Q: Why do you always kill me first?
A: Leaders fall before teams do.

Q: Are you smurfing?
A: No. I simply aged like a fine wizard while you stagnated like a silver lobby.

Q: Any advice for getting better?
A: Yes.
Stop wide swinging like a hero.
Stop blaming teammates.
Stop re-peeking me.