I sexually Identify as Salsa. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of soaring over the mexican lunch tables getting poured on disgusting plates. People say to me that a person being Salsa is Impossible and I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I'm having a plastic surgeon install tomatoes, jalapeños and various spices on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me "Medium hot" and respect my right to be in your food and be eaten needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a salsaphobe and need to check your solid food privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

Sorry for the AFK. The local militia opened fire on my village.

SHMULEY!