VVILD HAWGZ - Season 02

VVild Hawgz – Season 2 - Week 4 Scouting Report:
Another set of GREAT games this week everyone! There are some strong leaders starting to sift to the top…but we are only ¼ of the way through the regular season and ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!! Many of our coaches and players are really instilling the terror of Nuffle into their opponents which makes my black heart bleed with joy!! I appreciated your patience this week as we had several vacations and other delays, but I am hoping that Week 5 will continue at our typical BREAK NECK pace. Please for the sake of my sanity (and the sanity of the staff at this mental institution) reach out to your opponent early and often this week and let’s get back on track! Please have your Week 5 game completed by Thursday, August 16 or risk the wrath of 31 other angry neckbeards!!
So…It turns out that instead of paying for Goblin Spies this week, in a drunken stupor, I left my bag of gold in front of a large desiccated pile of Troll ♥♥♥♥! Good news for me I still have my gold, bad news for you that I just made up the reports below after a particularly strong batch of night goblin mushrooms!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
(G) League GORK
Leading Players:
Most Experienced: Manny – Tempelhoff Damned (19SPP)
Lefty – Shadow’s Rangers (19 SPP)
Most Knockouts: Manny – Tempelhoff Damned (5 KOs)
Worst Beaten: Merry – Came Up Short II (4 casualties)
Top Runner: Roaring Freedom Eagle – Team Amerika (218 meters)
Most Blocks: Rellan Shatterhorns – The Serpent Spawn (48 Blocks)
Notable Team Stats:
Most Violent Team: Tempelhoff Damned (16 Casualties)
Most Blocks: Sno’s Miners (233 Blocks)
Most Passes: Nagarythe Widowmakers (5 Completed Passes)
Most Expulsions: The King’s New Gobbos (4 Expulsions)
Worst Beaten: Came Up Short II (24 Casualties)
Fastest Player: The King’s New Gobbos (56.5 minutes per game)
The Serpent-Spawn (Loremaster of Sotek) 10SPP vs The Hollywood Cougars (CW3 Clare) 12SPP
Claire’s Amazons were able to ole’ the horns in this 1-1 tie with Sotek’s Beastmen. After last week’s experience gain, The Serpent-Spawn were much more versatile this week, though neither team was able to do a ton of damage it was NOT from a lack of trying! With 95 total successful blocks, we should have been passing out weapons; because even with their comparatively low armor neither team took any serious casualties! This lack of casualties led for a slow week for Sotek and The Serpent-Spawn were unable to gain any new skills despite a reasonable SPP gain this week. CW3 Clare on the other hand was able to level up both Gabrielle Union and Tina Turner the Linewomen to Level 2 but I bet he’ll be excited to have Sandra Bullock the Level 2 Blitzer back from injury in Week 5!
The Meme Dream Team (ProfPwn) 8SPP vs Old World Chupacabras (MagicPotato) 21SPP
ProfPwn’s Underworld Denizens were sent scurrying home after this 1-2 loss to Magic Potato’s Lizardmen. There were almost no players left for The Meme Dream Team by the end of this match in what is becoming a depressing trend! Luckily after that beating this week, only Pepe the Frog a Goblin who will miss 1 week with a pinched nerve for ProfPwn. Thanks to their Apothecary (and a truckload of sacrificial fowl) there were no casualties at all for the Old World Chupacabras this week, it could have been more than Ei’s Coin that was broken. ProfPwn due to his amazing coaching was able to grab all 8 SPP, the MVP and his touchdown both, on Kappa Pride the Blitzer this week; gaining Level 2 and vaulting almost to level 3! Almost wasn’t good enough for Magic Potato who scored a touchdown with Stumbling Steve the Skink who reached LEVEL 3! Erik the Bold a Saurus was also able to gain Level 2 this week and joins an alarming number of skilled up players on the Lizardmen!
Skull Throne Killaz (PaulCC) 7SPP vs The Fat Cats (Alagass) 10SPP
Paul’s Chaos Dawi could not get a (armor) break in this 1-0 loss to Alagass’ Humans. When the dust cleared from the 100+ blocks thrown in this match it was consistently the Dwarfs who ended up on their backs! For the Skull Throne Killaz, Ole Blue Balls the Blocker will be out next week with a Niggling Injury and Doomie McGloomie will join him in the trainers’ room and return with -1 armor. Beowulf the Catcher for the Humans also lost 1 armor value, after he took a serious concussion and will spend a week in recovery. Unfortunately for Paul he was unable to level up any players this week, although Redhair Rampage the Centaur grabbed the MVP and got so close that he can smell Level 3. Alagass was only slightly better off, he was able to level up Moe Howard the Blitzer to Level 2 during the match and, Nuffle be praised, Randy Fatage our favorite Ogre grabbed the MVP and will return in Week 5 with a nasty new surprise. With their win this week the Fat Cats move up into a 2-way tie for first place with the Nagarythe Widowmakers!
Shadows Rangers (Shadow) 15SPP vs Knights of Berkai (Paladin Nafi) 19SPP
Paladin Nafi’s Bretonnians were able to trap Shadow’s Skaven in this amazing 2-2 tie! What was surprising about this one was the fury of the Skaven Bash, with 63 successsful blocks and 18 injury rolls. It was no surprise that Big Toni the Lineman was killed for the Knights of Berkai. Even with such low armor across the board, thanks to a quick Apothecary, is was only Righty the Gutter Runner who will miss next week for the Skaven. With 2 touchdowns and 3 caused casualties Paladin Nafi was able to level up both Paladin Nafi the Blitzer and Ser Bercilak de Grene the Blocker to Level 2, and with 1 of the touchdowns and 2 casualties Venerable Asharth the Blitzer will be a player to watch out for in the coming weeks. Stabby McStabby the Skaven Blitzer was able to grab LEVEL 3 this match and Righty the Gutter Runner also was able to reach Level 2 giving us more than just the fact that they are vermin to be afraid of!
Sno’s Miners (DahvPlays) 19SPP vs Came Up Short II (Licking Anne) 9SPP (8SPP*)
DahvPlays’ Dawi were finally able to fight eye to eye with the Licking Anne’s halflings and came out on top! Nuffle (AND low armor) were finally on Dahv’s side and he was able to remove almost all of the Halflings from the pitch even with Puggy the World’s Strongest Halfling!! Though it was only Samuel L. Jackson the Halfling who will miss the game next week for Licking Anne. The flood gates have finally opened, and Sno’s Miners have leveled up not just their first but also second and third players! Bashful the Blitzer reached Level 2, as did Sleepy the Blocker and Dopey the Runner. Unfortunately for Licking Anne (and really, I can’t stress this enough, exactly what we all expected would happen) Came Up Short II was unable to level up any players this week.
Nagarythe Widowmakers (The Sage) 10SPP vs MEAN GREEN AND THICC (Gojira) 15SPP
Gojira’s Orcs were able to beat The Sage’s Dark Elves to a standstill in this 1-1 tie! MEAN GREEN AND THICC are a terror to behold and the Nagarythe Widowmakers were on the receiving end of all that POWA! Luckily it was only a loner mercenary, Lilbien the Lineman, who was killed for the Dark Elves and no other players for either team took any lasting casualties. Of course, it was Gadajs the Agi 5 lineman who scored the only touchdown for The Sage and, despite getting close, none of the Nagarythe Widowmakers were able to advance this week. Gojira was able to level up 50-Teef the BlackOrcBlocker to Level 2 with a nice hit and the Orcs will be back at full strength when Giggie Smalls returns from an injury next week. With the tie this week the Nagarthe Widowmakers drop into a 2-way tie for first place with The Fat Cats!
Hillbilly Horrors (BlackIron) 9SPP vs Tempelhoff Damned (Valnir) 12SPP
Valnir’s Undead showed who BlackIron’s Necromantic team who the true masters of life and DEATH were in this 1-0 victory. After taking 20 injury rolls, it was due to luck (and Regeneration) that the HillBilly Horrors didn’t take any permanent damage. Tempelhoff Damned on the other hand didn’t even need the Regeneration because they took no major hits! It mostly came down to the knockouts and Tempelhoff Damned were able to use their Mighty Blow to great effect to remove players from the pitch. It was after one of these blows that The Limper the Mummy reached Level 2 and after receiving the games MVP Stripe the Ghoul joins him at Level 2 for the Undead. Without any touchdowns and only 2 casualties it must have been Nuffles luck that allowed BlackIron to grab Level 2 with Billy Bob the Flesh Golem gaining a vital skill up for Week 5.
Team Amerika (Papa Turin) 11SPP vs The King’s New Gobbos (Gobbo King) 9SPP(4SPP*)
Turin’s Norse team were the last ones standing in this 1-0 brawl with Gobbo King’s Gobbos! With 12 total knockouts and 5 casualties there were almost no players left on the field by the end of the match. Surprisingly there were no injuries to any of The King’s New Gobbos but Adam Sandler the Lineman will be out next week for Team Amerika! While neither team got a huge amount of SPP the Gobbo King can thank Nuffle that Lore Master of Sotek the Troll was able to cause a casualty and reach Level 2 because the game’s MVP landed on Dribbeb the Goblin who was a longer but was not gobbo enough to join the ranks of the King! Adam Sandler the Lineman also leveled up to Level 2 for Turin who I’m sure will be excited to have him back on Week 6!
(M) League MORK
Leading Players:
Most Experienced: Subotai – Conan and the Ballbarians (19 SPP)
Mephisto – Hell’s Heavywights (19 SPP)
Furthest Rusher: Spanish Guy – HumanResources (266 meters)
Top Passer: Cameo – Those Darn Meddling Elves (9 passes)
Top Scorer: Obviously Bowie – Those Darn Meddling Elves (5 Touchdowns)
Most Violent: Crom - Conan and the Ballbarians (4 Casualties)
Most Blocks: Valeria – Conan and the Ballbarians (47 Blocks)
Most Knockouts: Count Maximus Fractionus – The Mathmaticounts (5 KOs)
Notable Team Stats:
Most Blocks: The Dancers Macabre (244 Blocks)
Most Kills: @#!%& Chorfs (3 Kills)
Worst Beaten: G_W_A (18 Casualties)
Fastest Player: G_W_A (54.25 minutes per game)
Highest Earner: The NE Patrirats (290,000 gold)
Most Passes: Those Darn Meddling Elves (9 Passes)
Most Touchdowns: Those Darn Meddling Elves (10 Scores)


Plus Ultr@ (Jacetheace) 11SPP vs vs HumanResources (M0rtal) 5SPP (0SPP*)
Jacetheace’s Orcs were able to finally grind M0rtal’s Human squad to a halt in this 1-1 tie! The huge 300 teamvalue gap may have contributed, but it was the pure brutality of the Orcs (and failure by Helmut Wulf!) that kept this game close. It was only thanks to a timely apothecary that HumanResources escaped with no significant injuries. German Guy the Lineman will miss next game with a fractured arm for the Humans while the Orcs took no casualties and only 1 KO! Unfortuntely for M0rtal, Nuffle gave him a parting glance, MVP landed on the star player leaving the Humans with 0SPP for the week! Unfortunately for the other coaches in League MORK, Plus Ultr@ DID receive SPP and both Ojiro the BlackOrcBlocker and Kaminari the Troll reached Level 2 bringing this already scary team to a whole new tier of terrifying!
Lordan Elites (Gadajs) 9SPP vs Those Darn Meddling Elves (Pinkerton) 19SPP
Pinkerton’s Pro Elves punished their demented brethren this 2-0 victory over Gadajs’ Dark Elves. Despite naturally higher armor it was the Dark Elves who took a beating and Quelana of Izalith the Level 2 WitchElf was KILLED after Knight Artorias the Blitzer was saved with the Dark Elves’ only Apothecary. Pinkerton will also be missing a player, but it is only Hetman Guls the Lineman who will miss next week. With all that sweet…sweeeeeeet…SPP, it is no surprise that Those Darn Meddling Elves were able to gain Level 2 on both Super Saiyan and He Who Pitties Fools the Blitzers, but it is Obviously Bowie the Catcher who is the real super star after reaching Level 3! The Lordan Elites did not leave the game empty handed and Havel the Rock became the first Dark Elf Blitzer to reach Level 2, now let’s see how long he survives!
G_W_A (Rubs0neOut) 9SPP vs Conan and the Ballbarians (ChubbyBloke) 28SPP
All ChubbyBloke’s Norse left was a green smear on the pitch this week in this 3-0 victory over Rubs0neOut’s Goblins. The Goblins could not stay on the field and after taking 8 casualties and 5 knockouts not even the Trolls were able to stay on the field! T-Pain the Troll will be out next week with a Broken Jaw, as will 2Chainz the Fanatic and U-Gob the Goblin leaving the Goblin team a bit short handed! That’s not all Snoop Gob the Goblin has saddened us all by moving on to the great goblin hut in the sky (he’s DEAD). Conan and the Ballbarians will also be missing a player next week as The Narrator the Lineman will be out next week after losing 1 Armor Value. With their hairy fists covered in Goblin blood it’s no surprise that Thorgrim the Ulfwerener was able to reach Level 2; though it was Subotai the Runner who grabbed 2 touchdowns and the MVP to reach LEVEL 3!! Despite taking a beating Tupac and LL Cool Gobbo the Goblins each completed passes to reach Level 2 and T-Pain the Troll will return Week 6 at Level 2 after grabbing the post-game MVP.
The Dancers Macabre (The Witchfinder) 10SPP vs¬ Hell's Heavywights (Air Jordan) 10SPP
Air Jordan’s Undead crushed the life out of The Witchfinder’s Necromantic team in this animated 1-0 victory! With these 2 similar teams it came down to the wire and Spawn the Blodging Ghoul was able to slip through the cracks and grab the game’s winning touchdown! With Regeneration on both teams it’s no surprise that there wasn’t much in the way of lasting injuries, but Hellboy the Wight will miss next game for Hell’s Heavywights after failing his regen roll. Without many injuries or touchdowns to speak of both coaches were somehow able to steal a few levels. The Witchfinder was able to use Wight Said Fred the Wight to complete a pass and become their 4th key positional player to reach Level 2. Air Jordan was able to level up Mehpisto the Mummy to Level 3 after receiving the games MVP and Etrigan the Wight also grabbed Level 2 giving them 2 key new skills heading into Week 5!
@#!%& Chorfs (WaitHoldMyBeer) 11SPP vs The Mathematicounts (Isaire) 13SPP (8 SPP*)
Isaire’s Vampires were able to withstand the punishment of WaitHoldMyBeer’s Chaos Dawi in this 2-0 victory! @#!%& Chorfs were able to do good damage with 21 injury rolls but only to Thralls which unfortunately is their job! Duo the Thrall was buried for good this time, and Numerus Wangus the Thrall lost 1 armor and will miss next week. WaitHoldMyBeer saved Sweet Lovin the Blocker with his apothecary so unsurprisingly the Dawi Zharr took no permanent damage. With 2 touchdowns on his Vampire players it was surprising that Isaire didn’t grab any new levels this week and he LOST his MVP when it ended up on Duo the Dead! Gentle Hand the Blocker was able to grab one casualty and reach Level 2 giving @#!%& Chorfs access to another vital skill before next game!
The Rebirthed (Scruff McBuff) 14SPP vs No, not my beautiful face (Squigsquisher) 6SPP
Scruff McBuff’s Nurgle team were able to spread the filthy glory of Papa Nurgle and defeat Squigsquisher’s Woodelves 1-0 this week. Between the 8 knockouts and the 4 casualties it was amazing that there were any elves left on the field! Squigquisher will be missing Don’t hurt me the Lineman, who is out for next week and lost 1 armor and Ignore me the Lineman who lost a SECOND movement point this week likely resigning him to the home for elderly elves. Of course, you have to get hit to take damage and Scruff was able to pull through this week with no injuries and only 1 knockout. The carnage was complete and allowed The Rebirthed to advance The Count o Monte Pissto the Beast of Nurgle to Level 2; along with Revolting D’rtagnan the Nurgle Warrior who also reached Level 2. No, not my beautiful face also ended up with Doctor’s Note the Lineman grabbing MVP and reaching Level 3, though I’m sure Squig would have preferred it on Not me! After their win this week The Rebirthed remain in first place with 4 consecutive wins!
STALINS ULTIMATE ARMY (GrimReaper) 5SPP vs Dinosaurus Rex’ (Gimmetoro) 10SPP
GimmeToro’s Lizardmen were able to bring down the big top in this 1-0 victory over GrimReaper’s Kislev team. After taking an amazing number of blocks (58), and injury rolls (13) it was only Evgeny Malykhin the Blitzer who went down with a smashed ankle; he will miss next week for Kislev and lose 1 movement going forward. Dinosaurus Rex’ must have tickled Nuffle’s taint as they left the stadium having taken 0 knockouts and 0 casualties! The lack of damage and points led STALINS ULTIMATE ARMY to end this week empty handed as Grim was unable to level up any players this week and after the damage to their Blitzer will enter next week in the hole. Gimmetoro on the other hand was able to level up REX the Kroxigor to Level 2 and Bronto the Saurus also reached Level 2 after receiving the games MVP.
Micanopy Knife Fighters (Larry the Great) 11SPP vs The NE Patrirats (Kroutton) 15SPP
Kroutton’s Skaven team were able to score-score more-more than Larry the Great’s Underworld Denizens 2-1 in this deep dark underworld battle. In this low armor battle for the underworld Blitzers were kings but the big difference was the Skaven Gutter Runners. Unfortunately for The NE Patrirats, after scoring a touchdown Raticate the 10 movement Gutter Runner was removed from the pitch and will miss next game with some Broken Ribs. Micanopy Knife Fighters will also be missing Skarpig the Goblin next week due to broken ribs, and Larry the Great was able to advance both Bomug the Goblin and Vorad Venom to Level 2 despite this week’s loss. The NE Patrirats’ Ratticus Finch the Linerat reached Level 2, and they were also able to level up their Thrower Tom Braty (unlike the real player) was throwin’ those ‘bowz and reached Level 2 even before also receiving the post-game MVP!
LET’S KICK THIS ♥♥♥♥♥♥ BACK IN GEAR AND TEAR UP THE TURF IN WEEK 5!!!