The steps to the perfect ♥♥♥♥.

Step 1: remove trousers and prepare mentally and physically

Step 2: Place your both gluts firmly on your toilet seat. I you do not have access to the right ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ apparatus you will have to improvise. (Read section on survival ♥♥♥♥♥ are hard, dangerous but ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ amazing).

Step 3: Grab both ankles with your hands and gently squeeze building power as you go on.

Step 4: This is when you are likely to hit your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ wall, just remember; it gets easier. Mind over anus.

Step 5: This is a crucial moment in the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ process. You must give it all you got in one final, bloody push to the finish.

Step 6: Stand in awe as you see your floating friend make ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ look like a ♥♥♥♥♥. Your poo should be immediately uploaded to ratemypoo.com for everyone else to bask in its soggy glory; so don’t be greedy, share it for Christ’s sake. There is however some glitch in the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ matrix. It is called a ghost ♥♥♥♥. It happens once a blue moon but can be absolutely devastating. If this happens to you, I am truly sorry.