The High Tory Death Squad is a multicultural and multifaith organisation of many races, cultures and religions, including but limited to: White, Western European and Christian.

One would be forgiven for confusing a High Tory Death Squad and a Right Wing Death Squad, for both are right wing and both bring death. The key difference between the two types of death squads is, however, substantial. High Tory Death Squads hold themselves to a higher code of ethics in their operations and duties, are considerably better trained, and don't kill civilians. All HTDS operations are focused on individual and powerful members of all three arms of the state: The Executive, Legislature and Judiciary.

Killings are not random and are not acts of terror. If one was to compare Brenton Tarrant's Christchurch attack to using a hacksaw to cut one's toenail, HTDS operations would be akin to using a sub-atomic precision laser to remedy slightly uneven facial hair. Clean and effortless.

Actions that will earn one a visit from the High Tory Death Squad are as follows:

- Jailing anybody due to offence that they have caused

- Putting the milk in first when one makes a cup of tea

- Propogating any form of anti free speech legislation

- Seeking to return us to the European Union

- Weak handshakes

- Drinking any non-Scotch whisky

- Taking a public stance against the monarchy

- Speaking French (This rule also applies in France)

- Saying anything remotely negative about Jacob Rees-Mogg

Dear concerned reader/policeman/judge/prosecution solicitor,

The above description of the HTDS unit does not reflect the genuine views or desires of any of its members, including its founder. Upon investigation into the members of this unit, should you choose to do so, you will very quickly find that we are simply an internet group full of teenage NEETs who find dark and offensive humour funny. None of us have any desire to commit acts of terror in the name of the far right, nor do we condone any such terror attack whatsoever.

This statement has been written out of a genuine fear that members of this group, including its founder, will be prosecuted under the Malicious Communications Act (2003) or Public Order Act (1983). If, even after reading this statement, you still choose to prosecute any member of this group under these laws, I'd offer some warm words of encouragement. Have fun making us into martyrs for all who have been immorally imprisoned for offence caused.