Shady's back, tell a freind

Guess whos back guess whos back guess whos back guess whos back

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA! - 20406.75 Ov

Hello, loyal disciples of the Church of the Pizza! Before I welcome you into the new age once more, I must first address something: I've had a lot of people whining at me over where we've been over the past few months (Not really, I'm just pretending people read this ♥♥♥♥♥). While it may have been a long time in your respective realm, I may need to specify YET AGAIN; that we use Olives now. Not your crappy years, seconds or pizza forbid microfortnights.

It may have seemed like a long time since the last holy mantra was expelled from the bowels of our steam group, but I assure you, it was just an illusion perpetuated by your feeble minds. Now, leeeet's get riiiight into the newwwws!

The FIFA 16 championships have begun in realm 16, professional gamers, fans and even myself have come together as a collective to not give a ♥♥♥♥ about football. My apologies, but we must devote at least a sentence to what his Lord and Cheesy deems newsworthy in the multiverse.

Now onto what I want to talk about so I stop getting hatemail telling me to kill myself, I am going to tell you the method to calculating the current multiversal time, in Olives, so you can do it on the comfort of your own home (You know what else you could (and should) be doing in your own home? (Wow, nested brackets, I know, right?) Worshiping his Lord and Cheesy! Buy your limited edition prayer mat now or face the concequences!)

To calculate the current Olive Date of the multiverse: Take the current radius of the visible universe in all directions, averaged across relams 0, 35.78, 1104,69 and 34.xx and multiply it by however many copies of the latest Call of Duty game has sold so far and divide by the third infinity. Once you've done this, weigh up the pros and cons surrounding your life and shoot up you nearest school in the name of his lord and cheesy vote for trump in the upcoming American election. Once the results have come out, tally up the people who voted for the winning candidate (in the event that the winning candidate is Donald Trump, subtract your vote from the total and proceed to swiftly and efficently end your life. Congratulations, you're part of the problem.) In all other cases, subtract the tally from the result of your previous calculations. Keep this number in your head. For the sake of formating we'll call this number 'n'. Next, download unturned and play it for 'n' hours. After 'n' hours have elapsed, count the number of self inflicted wounds you have made on your body as a result of playing unturned for 'n' hours and then divide 'n' by this number to find your boredom coeffecient and then take this coeffecient and become a professional blacksmith. Once you have mastered your craft, spend the remainder of David Cameron's life forging a blade made of your condensed boredom coeffecient. Once the blade has been forged successfully, become fluid in the basics of swordplay and then bring shame to your family. There are many ways to do this, but I find showing up to actual fanpage meetings naked works perfectly well. Once this is done and you are in exile, take your sword and kill your immediate family. This includes pets. Keep in mind that should one of them die to any hand other than yours, you must restart the whole process over again. Once the massacre has ensued, count the total drops of blood shed by your kin (Double the number for pets and children). Next divide this number by 'n' (I told you to keep it in mind) and congratulations, you have the current date in Olives. Your life may or may not also be in ruins, but that's why we have slaves experts to do it for you.

That paragraph got out of hand fast.

So, onto upcoming events:

20415.37 Ov : Unselective reincarnation (Realm 666)
20420.00 Ov : Universal blazing (All realms)
20435.78 Ov : Fundraiser (Realm 56)
20438.01 Ov : Fundspender (All realms)
20440.34 Ov : Estimated peacekeeper departure (Realm 240.24)

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA!

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA! - 20400.00 Ov

If you're one of those lucky souls in our cult religion that possesses the ability to interpret arabic numerals, you will, of course, know that we have reached a new hundrolive. Think of it as new year's. Only different in every single way. So basically yeah, not new years.

Now, I know that our new year's 2016 was a complete spunky blowout of cheese and various forms of alcohol; however as previously established, we use Olives now. It's no longer 2016, it's 20400! So we expect you all to attend our new hundrolive celebrations at your local church of the pizza. Anyone not attending will be liquidised! We expect you all to need liver replacements by tomorrow. Anyone still coherent will also be liquidised.

So, onto upcoming events:

20406.75 Ov : Universal FIFA 16 championships (Realm 16)
20415.37 Ov : Unselective reincarnation (Realm 666)
20420.00 Ov : Universal blazing (All realms)
20435.78 Ov : Fundraiser (Realm 56)
20438.57 Ov : Estimated peacekeeper departure (Realm 240.24)

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA!

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA! - 20392.64 Ov

Now, as the residents of realm 420.24 will know, we have deployed peacekeepers to the realm. Now this has caused isolated reports of mass outrage across the realm and to be honest I can't really blame you.

Now, I know peacekeepers have more offensive capability that a honey badger strapped to an ICBM but there are there purely for your safety. You may recall that the last time a '420' occured, an event where we all collectively smoke basil together; there were widespread riots in realm 420.24 in an attempt to, as his Lord and Cheesy states: "Overthrow the regime". Now, I don't know what regime he was talking about, but you can bet it totally didn't exist, and didn't culminate as a food-based religion who communicates through a gaming app. That would be absurd!

So the peacekeepers are only there if things get hairy again. Think of them like NATO. Except they can walk, see through walls and fly at three times the speed of sound. There have been reports of peacekeepers attacking civilians, but I can almost guarantee that they were attempting to "overthrow the regime". Now we know that the peacekeepers started as a single-being declaration of war on the entire rest of the universe, but those days are long behind us! Now we span the cosmos and crush anyone who dares to challenge the regime. What? I didn't say anything! All hail the pizza!

So, onto upcoming events:

20400.00 Ov : New Hundrolive (All realms)
20415.37 Ov : Unselective reincarnation (Realm 666)
20420.00 Ov : Universal blazing (All realms)
20435.78 Ov : Fundraiser (Realm 56)
20437.98 Ov : Estimated peacekeeper departure (Realm 240.24)

ALL AHIL THE PIZZA!

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA! - 20377.95 Ov

Before I begin the report on our annual sacrifice, I believe there has been a certian ambiguity as to who's actually posting these. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT His Lord and Cheesy himself, nor am I ElementInfa. This is the official unofficial fanpage of His Lord and Cheesy. It even says in the description: "The official unofficial fanpage, fan translation, fan game, various fanfictions, fanfood, fangirls, fanboys and fan movie of DeepSpacePizza! "

Granted, this page was started by ElementInfa, but for reasons I will explain later in this post, his Lord and Cheesy smitten ElementInfa with the wrath of a thousand suns. So I took over ElementInfa's steam account and thus, this page, as it said in his last will and testament. Now, I know I haven't been active in almost a year now, but to be fair, I had his entire steam library to chug through. Now without further adieu, onto the purpose of this post, the sacrifice report!

As I mentioned previously, ElementInfa was smitten by His Lord and Cheesy and here's why: This time last year, the Church of the Pizza held it's fourth annual sacrifice. His Lord and Cheesy demanded 72 virgins to be flung into the fires of Mt. Jalapeno. And while he was greatful to us for exceeding his target, unfortunatley someone managed to slip in a Thai ♥♥♥♥♥. Due to this, the real ElementInfa was smitten as mentioned above. His Lord and Cheesy is even said to have cracked the very fabric of the realm asunder. This is why the doors leading to Realm 17 have all been closed off in recent times.

Fortunatley, this sacrifice went a lot better! Not only have we expanded our influence significantly since then, but our screening process and sacrificial methods have improved too; although the same can't be said for Realm 17. I am pleased to announce a bountiful harvest of:

1,539 Virgins,
276 Non-believers,
120,576 Extra Chromosomes,
And a whopping 476,578,619,238 Anchovies!

We did it, loyal diciples... We did it...
See you next year.

So, onto upcoming events:

20392.62 Ov : Peacekeeper arrival (Realm 420.24)
20400.00 Ov : New Hundrolive (All realms)
20415.37 Ov : Unselective reincarnation (Realm 666)
20420.00 Ov : Universal blazing (All realms)
20431.58 Ov : Estimated peacekeeper departure (Realm 240.24)

ALL HAIL THE PIZZA!