Subject: Recent "Incidents" and Moving Forward

Dear Team,

Walltor our memo guy's computer wont charge, so im sending this in for him.

I trust this memo finds you in varying states of emotional stability following the recent, let's call them, "unconventional occurrences" at our facility.

Firstly, I would like to address the incident involving the experimental self-heating coffee mug. To those affected, we now know that setting the default temperature to 'surface of the sun' was perhaps overly ambitious. We appreciate your dedication to testing our products, and the burns unit assures us that you should regain feeling in your fingers soon. In the meantime, enjoy the complimentary straws and the unique opportunity to develop ambidexterity.

Secondly, the incident in the cafeteria involving the prototype of our AI-driven chef. To the members of the garlic ice cream taste test, your sacrifice has not gone unnoticed. We're told the smell will eventually dissipate, and in the meantime, we've negotiated a discount for you at a well-known dating site, specializing in singles who appreciate a robust aroma.

On a more somber note, the memorial service for the intern who tested the jet-powered office chair will be held next Thursday. We've all learned a valuable lesson about the importance of ceiling height in jet propulsion research. In his honor, the break room will be renamed. Suggestions for the name are welcome, though 'The Launchpad' is currently in the lead.

Lastly, I want to address the rumors about the haunted photocopier on the third floor. Officially, we don't believe in ghosts, but we do suggest using the machines on the second floor for the time being. Just in case.

In conclusion, remember that innovation is about breaking boundaries, sometimes literally. Let's all keep pushing the envelope, though preferably not to the point of another visit from the emergency services.

Stay resilient, and here's to a slightly less eventful next quarter.

Best,

[Walltor Rosado]
Head of Risk Management (and unofficial crisis counselor)

Subject: Urgent Security Breach and Subsequent Resolution

Dear Team,

I hope this message finds you well and in good spirits, despite the gravity of the situation I am about to disclose. It has come to our attention that our esteemed colleague,Kevin our money guy – was not who he claimed to be. Our security team, after an extensive and thorough investigation, has uncovered that Kevin was, in fact, a corporate spy sent by none other than Microsoft.

The discovery was made in a rather unconventional manner. Kevin, in a moment of what can only be described as overconfidence, attempted to access the highly confidential files related to our next groundbreaking project, codenamed "CONFIDENTIAL:{REDACTED}". Fortunately, our state-of-the-art security system, which includes a voice-activated lock that only responds to the chorus of Sicko Mode, successfully thwarted his attempt.

Upon being caught, Kevin tried to escape using Bionic Legs™. However, he had mistakenly attached the left leg where the right one should be, leading to a rather unsuccessful escape attempt.

In response to this egregious breach of trust and security, our team decided to take immediate and decisive action. In a move that some might consider unorthodox, we secured Kevin to one of our experimental rockets – originally intended for a future project involving high-altitude research.

As fate would have it, the rocket's trajectory was miscalculated, resulting in Kevin making an unscheduled visit to a Microsoft-sponsored orphanage. No one survived.

We believe this serves as a strong message to any other potential corporate spies: Bionic Legs™ R&D is not to be trifled with. We also extend our apologies to the orphanage and have offered to create new orphans to fill the vacancy.

let this event be a reminder of the importance of security and the lengths we are willing to go to protect our intellectual property. We also advise all team members to brush up on their tiktok songs, as the security system will be updated with new songs periodically.

Thank you for your continued dedication and discretion.

Best regards,

[Angel Mendoza CEO]
Head of Bionic Legs™ Research and Development Team

We shall forever hold the date of September 11th in our hearts, as it marks the date of one of the most historical and most impactful occurances to happen on U.S. soil: The Birth of Bionic Legs™ Research and Development Team B. May we never forget such an event, and shall it never get overshadowed by any disruption.

We now have our first working product for Counter Strike Global Offesnice! The guide on how to use it can be found here at Bionic Legs™

We need to control our funding before we have another mishap. Our HQ exploded and killed all of our last employees. Now i have faith in group B but please remember pressurized 3D knitters and Cheetos Sponsored vending machines are not essential