So I bought this game as a joke.
You know—haha wouldn't it be funny if I fell in love with my microwave?

Cut to 12 hours later and I'm passionately defending the honor of a sentient table named Abel in a group chat like he’s a real person.

Date Everything is exactly what it sounds like: you date everything. Lamps. Alarm clocks. A really mean cactus. The ghost of your student loans. The concept of capitalism (and yes, it flirts back).

The game starts with you getting laid off from your job because AI took over. Too real. But then you put on these magical sunglasses (the "Dateviators") and suddenly every object in your house is hot and emotionally available. Except the fridge. The fridge has baggage.

Why this game slaps (emotionally):

The writing is unhinged in the best way. One minute you’re having a heartfelt convo with a plushie about vulnerability, the next you’re in a love triangle with your bookshelf and your bathroom mirror.

Voice acting is STACKED. Like, unnecessarily good. There are characters with maybe six lines who sound like they were voiced by a SAG-AFTRA god.

100+ datable objects and somehow they all have distinct personalities?? I shouldn’t have a favorite chair, but here we are.

Stuff to know:

It’s a long haul if you’re a completionist. I’ve only “dated” 12 objects and I already feel like I’ve emotionally cheated on several.

Some characters are deep and surprising. Others are kind of like, “Hey. I’m a lamp. Wanna kiss?”

There’s a handy little phone app in-game to help you track who you’ve dated, which feels weirdly invasive but also helpful. Like a Tinder spreadsheet.

Final Thoughts:
If you love dating sims but also want to question your sanity, this is for you.
If you’ve ever stared too long at your rice cooker and thought, we’d have good vibes, this is DEFINITELY for you.
10/10. Will absolutely ghost the humidifier again. That guy was too clingy.