On page 110 of Electronic Gaming Monthly issue 209 (November 2006), Dan "Shoe" Hsu quoted Gears of War's lead designer, Cliff Bleszinski, describing the [multiplayer] gameplay experience: "... it has fast tactics. It's tactical, but for people like me that have ADD." I'm not sure whether CliffyB understood or just thought he did. ADD was then (in 2006, when being "so random" and "spacey" was a popular trend among adolescents) and is now a flippant term lobbed around to signify "the attention span of a squirrel," for instance, currently exacerbated all the more by one-click ordering, one-day delivery, instant downloads; endlessly following hyperlinks down some obscure Wikipedia trail; newsfeeds inundated with politics and facts about Purple Finches and clickbait articles dedicated to apocryphal tidbits surrounding a sitcom you looked up just once.

In issue 209, Cliff spoke to my soul. He stared me in the eyes and said, "you, ADD kid. I made this game for you and you alone." At a time when ADD was my identity, or the point to which I could trace all manner of personal deficiencies, I bought in and thanked CliffyB for the dedication. I saved that issue of EGM and played Gears religiously, returning to Shoe's article whenever I was in doubt, turning to my flaxen-haired, cornflower-eyed icon for reassurance. Yes, I am ADD kid, and Gears was my absolution. Cliffy told me so.

And now, nearly 16 years later, my paradigm's shifted. As Kanye put it in 2008, I "[BROKE] DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW." What the heck is this? This game, initially cast out of my queue purely on face value (parkour? cards? anime? fps? I'm good), is the balm for all the brain-addling ailments that rack my weary bones. Speed speed speed and lots of it. Always something to improve. Always a corner to turn, tricks to try. Machinegirl's OST replacing my inner monologue. Invasive breakthroughs in the middle of mundane workdays. If I discard Fireball aimed a smidge more to the left, maybe -- just maybe -- I can shave off 30 milliseconds and inexplicably climb a few hundred places on the leaderboards. Maybe. In the grand scheme, I've only played a bit. I'm no 60+ hour aficionado. But this is some powerful medicine. Use it wisely. Enjoy.