Recent reviews by malapro

I'm not a SWAT veteran as some reviewers are, because if I were, I'd be in hospice with dementia and drool pouring down my chest, ♥♥♥♥ running down my legs - recovering from beatings and strangulations and even anal invasions from DEI Somali MUTANT elderly care employees: watching my reflection in a broken mirror, smiling with tears running down my cheeks as my dentures fall out onto the putrid floor covered in ANTS and other wildlife pests because my family HATES me (FOR GOOD REASON)!!

but SWAT 4 is a better game

why is this important? because GOD promised a good SWAT successor to ME 3000 years ago!
yet, here I am splashing around the ready or not diarrhea.

UNSPIRED MOOD - there is NO environmental story telling - everything is clinically clean aside from props added to a map, places DON'T look lived in, holy HELL, even the mass shooter map doesn't even have an evacuated crowd, it's silent and EVERY building has some ♥♥♥♥♥♥, contemporary, grandiose, uninspired design.
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥: this mansion is owned by a... PERVERT! look at this ROOM! SEXTHINGS!
GAMERS: OKAY! lets sift through the refuse and SAVE THE KIDS!
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥: oh, there's none of that, there's not much of anything actually, the intro radio told you everything about this because there's actually nothing to discover or piece together for an interesting narrative purpose in the map :)
pair this to the underlying narrative of a literal ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ riot at the doors of the police station and it is just stupid ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded

INFERIOR AI - people complain about being killed too quickly, but just get good lul. the REAL issue is the SUICIDAL nature and LACK of VARIETY. in SWAT 4, ai would retreat and AMBUSH-especially when injured or if they detect you, not to mention, you would encounter different TYPES of enemies. for instance, on a bank robbery mission, you would first encounter criminals disguised as citizens in the bank lobby, but towards the vault you run into the main paramilitary group. this alone lets the player gather that you are up against organized criminals and it's your JOB to RUIN their plan. FUN! there are also enemies you run into that are equipped against CS gas or flashbangs. FUN!

there's more, but i'm bored writing this.. comment to argue

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lee horsey oswald

play as someone who ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sucks and walk around slowly to talk to people who ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ suck
brought to you by: the gamedevs who ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ suck

huntards: we have a big update
me (he/him/sir): did you add scalping
hunter (fictional): uhh, no we did (not)
me and everyone else: ADD SCALPING

I am a 15 billion y/o archon of the demiurge, probably one of the oldest people playing this game. I am a single tormentor of humanity, which is 6000 now. Much of humanity got this game in Feb, 2024, so I willed the creators to torpefy its enjoyable aspects. By the end of next month, my damages had been reversed. This was horrible for me, as it was already hard for me to find new ways to torment humanity. Innovations like nitrated fertilizer have made my tried and true method of famine difficult. I decided to make a Steam account and get this game - see if I could maybe torment in a more intimate theater. I loaded into the game, joined a lobby, and commenced rampant omnicide, but I was 'kicked' hell for leather. I sought counsel from other archons, who suggested subtlety. I loved it as it was the best time I had spent with humanity since my wife had died. Using stratagems such as the mortar to winnow souls from reserve, gaslighting teammates into believing they crossed my line of fire, dropping samples before being the last to extract, kicking others during extraction countdown, etc... This game reminded me that there's fun to be had in everything, and it has brought me many happy memories.

WARNING! ONLY PLAY THIS GAME IF YOU'RE STUPID AND NOT SMART!

I HATE THIS GAME! IT SUCKS!!! I WOULD RATHER LIVE IN A YURT THEN EVER OPEN THIS GAME AGAIN!
that polish, green-haired dog of a woman makes me wish hitler killed 12 million +1 (probably one of her parents or grandparents, she doesnt seem that old.... i dont know and i dont care! she along with *hmmmm* i'm gonna say ALL the cartoon characters in this french-canadian toddler's game need to be corrected)
i havent even played in like 5 years, but i bet nothing's changed: WOW! walk up wall and shoot through a hole! GREAT! sit in corner and make proclamations about who's cheating! FUN!

AN OPEN INVITATION TO ALL UBISOFT DEVS:
you can come to my country, you can live in the zoo :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcpLWfgHW1g

this review is sponsored by Lucky Strike Cigarettes! "It's Toasted"

moose ro dah

SAMIR! YOU ARE BREAKING THE MECH!

bill gates is a worthless piece of ♥♥♥♥ of the worst kind this mother ♥♥♥♥♥♥ needs exposed NOW: not tomorrow, not next week, but NOW! these pieces of ♥♥♥♥ are millionaires ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MILLIONAIRES,. just like tim sweeny ripping off peoples for more millions. they lie, mislead, talking leftest made-up words like hatespeech: recalling FIRE at a movie theater... all sorts of made up rhetoric - racenames and language leftists use all the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ time. its sickening. our sick fat lazy piglet gamedev and his ass permanently superglued to that ugly la-z-boy chair that never moves. pretty soon he'll need a lift truck and chair to move around and check on the millions people send him because nobody exposes these grifters
day 1: $25,000 in preorders
day 2: preorders jump to $50,000
day 3: preorders jumps to $1000 million dollars
me and my stupid "wife" couldnt pour rock on our driveway for over 2 months so we could preorder for this dumb's bleeding heart. his dad has insurance, he even said the people who use use and operate BLIZZARD get free games
$10,000 from FAME-devs and they have life insurance according to him! how many ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ million do you need to give a victim? yeah blizzard got bought out, but is it over a million dollars to take care of this?? these people bought new cars and new homes from this ♥♥♥♥
this fatass slop ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ gamedev even alluded to it, dont forget: he promised everyone receipts and accountability and PVE when we all preordered the $100,000
NOPE not a single ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ word or receipt, just nothing. it was just one big ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SPENDING SPREE
go to moynihan the blizzard semi-model in half clothes and see all the chief executives fawning messages and slapping her tight ass just like that! 50 y/o dudes dripping wet over moynihan gamer girl employee and that other one they're always raping. notice any patterns here? its always ALWAYS ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! and the big goofy ass worthles pos mf bill gates is the worst. ever notice how aaron keller, when next to bill gates acts abused and beaten and molested? its no joke, check him out - all quietly nodding his head as molester gates makes proclamations of who he's not gonna take money from and rape this week, but he will - all of it. its all so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ incestuous! EXPOSE THESE ♥♥♥♥♥ NOW! this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ pedo gates is a multimillionaire running a full blown aids scam on victims like a nigerian scam prince. look at the keller and gates together; these sickos are the ones cruising around in beat-down vans with black trashbags over the windows and 'free puppies' spray painted with black primer on the side of vans encircling school playgrounds. ALWAYS calling for someone to be jailed over not using their DRM in your computer or some ♥♥♥♥. ALWAYS ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, its beyond sick! These freaks need mostly peaceful visits. pedo gates left a tech rally after they didnt like his jar of POOP. him and his pedo follower left a tech rally after a tenessee brother had an army of northern virginia flag. HE called for jailing citizens without vaccination! he called for jailing for people who have no ATF tax stamp - forgot? go directly to jail according to pedo gates. he bragged about helping craft anti-2nd amendment laws, he bragged about taking money from censorship. his videos and statements are all over the web and blogs online: where are the memes and video on these freaksticks
all these hoo-has are making $20,000 to $40,000 per month on battlepass! they're all in on it together - running an aids scam on the american people!