I got kidnapped by two of my high school bullies, so I summoned 200 femboys to fight for me. Okay, so, I never thought I'd be writing this, but here we are. I'm walking home from work last night, sipping my $3 gas station iced coffee, when BAM! A sketchy white van screeches to a stop right next to me. Before I can even finish whispering stranger danger, two dudes jump out. And not just any dudes, my old high school bullies Chad and Brad. Chad's still got that my-dad-owns-a-boat energy, and Brad looks like he's been training for the WWE, but only in the neck region. They grab me, throw me in the back of the van, and start driving.
I'm panicking. I'm thinking, oh my god, this is it. I'm going to die in a van that smells like axe body spray and expired McChickens. But then, I remember something. In high school, I used to run this very cursed Dungeons & Dragons server, where I created a spell called Femboy Army Summon. A ritual so powerful, it could allegedly summon 200 anime-looking twinks with crop tops, cat ears, and thigh-high socks to fight for me. It was a joke. At least, I thought it was. Out of pure desperation, I whisper the ritual words under my breath.
Ooh, protect me, Daddy Neko Squad! Suddenly, the temperature drops. The air gets sparkly. The van swerves. And then, boom! Out of nowhere, 200 glowing portals open in the middle of the road. Out steps an army of 200 femboys, armed with dual katanas, lip gloss, and enough sass to power New York City for a year. One of them, the leader named Luna, steps forward, twirling his pastel pink butterfly knife. He looks at me and says, Don't worry, senpai, we got this. And then, chaos. Femboys flying through the air, crop tops fluttering in the wind, Chad tries to swing a crowbar, but gets instantly yeeted into a bush by a femboy doing a triple backflip.
Brad tries to run, but three femboys tackle him, screaming, For senpai! Within five minutes, it's over. My bullies are defeated, the van's on fire, and I'm standing there in the middle of the street, surrounded by 200 panting, glitter-covered warriors. Luna bows and whispers, Your enemies are vanquished, uwu. Then they all disappear in a flash of sparkles, leaving me alone with my three-dollar iced coffee. I haven't slept since.
I don't know if it was real, but there's glitter in my shoes, so… I think it was.