Recent reviews by Cap'n Philly

Iconic game from the PS1 era, some consider to be a hidden gem!

The story puts you in the shoes (or lack thereof) of Tomba, a feral jungle boy armed with a deadly blackjack and a sick mane of pink hair, quite possibly making him the only male to rock the color and not have preferred pronouns! He notices the local corrupt police bullying a caravan and goes to record them for Facebook, only to be knocked out and have his family heirloom wrongly taken from him: his bling.

In anger, our hero sets out to rid the land of the corrupt police by turning them into sweet sweet bacon, all the while restoring the land to what it looked like before governments got involved, and eventually uniting the people of all shapes, sizes, and colors, against the common enemy!

Rating: ACAB (All Cops Are Bacon)/10

On a serious note: one of my favorites from my childhood. Looks and plays great on the deck, I just wish that they could have remastered the graphics alongside the newly revamped musical score as well. That being said, I personally have had no issues with performance. Looks and plays identical to its original release!

1-4 dude(s) with a severe case of not knowing what career they want to stick with are tasked by Zeus’ harem to take out the last four titans that Zeus was too lazy to wipe out. The hero(es) embark on their VERY Zelda-like quest, acquire anything that isn’t nailed down, and proceed to take a big empty plain and build Stardew Valley on it.

Upon defeating the titans, Zeus’ ex-wives make our hero(es) the president(s) of Tasos (probably so they can go back to not caring about it. Pretty common in most mythologies)

Rating: Indie Four Swords/10

Little child hero/heroine with colored hair storms the castle of Mecha-Godzilla to rid the world of Kaiju. With Mecha-Godzilla's dying breath, he curses the character and turns them into a furry. In rage, the hero sets out to hunt down and kill every last dragon in the land, all of which cursing them and turning into another form of a furry, effectively increasing their rage to Asura proportions, until every last dragon is dead, up to and including Dragula, and our hero returns to human form.

No wonder Gwyn wanted dragon genocide in Dark Souls. Just look at what the dragons did to his two sons.

Rating: No I don't want an e621 account/10

Random dude stumbles across an inconspicuous patch of land when suddenly a whole bunch of zombies decide to throw the sickest undead dance party since Thriller. The dude then proceeds to dance for his life.

Rating: I MAED A R3VI3W W1TH ZOMB1ES 1NIT!!!1/10

The indie gaming community's favorite cute, lawless vegetable returns!

After successfully slaying a god (no, I'm not exaggerating this time) our lovable Turnip Boy does what any god-slaying felon would do afterward: Join the PAYDAY gang, now being led by the giant pickle from VeggieTales (I've heard of worse crime bosses...), in holding up a bank....approximately 500+ times as this sequel is a roguelite....and is being run by a hairy garlic bulb by the name of Stinky. Not to worry, though! As the local police perpetually take 3-6 minutes to show up to every robbery, and not ONCE in the countless consecutive heists do they stop and consider "maybe we should just station some officers down there before the next heist?" much to the convenience of our hero(?)

Anyway, you rob and rob and rob until finally Garlic Boy gives up and goes running home crying like Onion Boy, and our protagonist and the PAYDAY gang must face a threat even worse than a god: The Guardians of the Galaxy!

Rating: Can't wait for Turnip Boy Blows Up The Universe/10

I am a dwarf and I'm digging for Karl!
DIGGY DIGGY ROCK!
DIGGY DIGGY STONE!

Rating: I freaking love this game and community/10

"Oh this game is totally 2D Bloodborne! Look at the gun and the setting!"

FOOLS! This game is not Bloodborne-like! I struggle to even call it a soulslike! It's even better! After 18 years, we finally have a spiritual sequel to the Castlevania: Sorrow series!

Here we see Soma Cruz, all grown up, graduated, living abroad, and has fully embraced his high school goth phase, as he is now wearing all dark clothing, as opposed to his trademark white trench coat. He also stopped bleaching his head, which is a nice touch. Also, apparently wherever he lives has a bad problem with people farting, because his shirt collar is perpetually glued to the bridge of his nose. (That or he's still ashamed with how he looked in the DS game. I wouldn't blame him). Just to put it all together, he legally had his name changed to Eryk LastFaith (catchy ring for a single man, ya know?)

Following the events of Dawn of Sorrow, it is apparent that his high school sweetheart, Mina, straight up dumped his ass, and left him in a state of depression. (Again, probably because of how he looked on DS) So what does he do? What every JRPG protagonist does when they so much as stub their toe: Set out on a quest, take anything that isn't nailed down, and kill everything that has a face; up to, and ESPECIALLY, God.

Following that, just for good measure, and because he's done this in the previous Sorrow games already, He decides God wasn't good enough, and goes after God's twin mothers, and then kills THEIR God just for good measure! Damn, Soma! You SCARY!

Rating: Now stop calling it 2D Bloodborne/10

Woman checks into Bates Motel with her friends when the obvious happens. So she proceeds to play Phasmophobia to keep from being unalived. Afterwords, she posts the footage onto Youtune and Myface and the internet has a good laugh about it. Something our antagonist struggled to receive, clearly.

Don't quit your day job, Amy Schumer/10

Following the previous beloved tale of "Sodium Deficient Dude Kills God"...

We join yet another severely sodium deprived dude who has gotten so desperate to get their fix, they decide to commit a random crime, and because they are sodium deprived, they screw it up and get caught. The penalty is one of two options: enlist in special forces, or die. Quite the difficult choice, there...

Our protagonist chooses the former, and their mission is then given to them: There's a bunch of mages screwing up the ecosystem! They are screwing it up so bad the game has become less of a soulslike and more of a Monster Hunter World-like! So it is our protagonist's job to.....KILL EVERYTHING THAT MOVES!

As our hero/heroine dwindles the numbers of mages, the gods that are in charge of developing this world suddenly realize they were supposed to make a soulslike, and crank the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ meter to 11 as you approach endgame! We're talking juggling, one hit kills, quick moving bosses demanding precision reactions, and more move spamming than a Down-B Kirby in Smash Bros.

And then you kill Gwyn and either link the flame and make the gods feel special or kill it and piss them off something fierce. GG.

I don't think it's horrible, but I also came in knowing it was not going to be very faithful to the original. (Thanks previous steam reviewers!) If you want my honest opinion, it's an acquired taste, but it at least warrants one playthrough. Just to, at least somewhat, scratch that itch that Salt and Sanctuary left us with.

Rating: Dark Souls II/10

The little happy kid dude narrowly escapes a giant bloodthirsty beast from eating him alive and suddenly lands in the middle of a soccer game, announcer and all.

Rating: How many mushrooms were consumed in the making of this game/10