TOTAL WAR: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES
a.k.a. “WHO ASKED FOR THIS ♥♥♥♥?”

Ohhh GREAT. Total War: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES.
Because when I think “epic historical warfare,” I think of sand, sand, more sand, and guys named Amenhotep tripping over each other with sticks.

This game is like Creative Assembly looked at their burning dumpster fire of a reputation and said:

“You know what this needs? A DLC that feels like the base game wearing a fake mustache.”

THE SETTING:

You’re in the Bronze Age Collapse, which is historian talk for

“Everyone’s ♥♥♥♥♥♥, nobody knows why, and everything sucks.”

There are no iconic units, no variety, no “♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥” moments.
It’s just spearmen, spearmen, slightly angrier spearmen, and—oh wow—
SPEARMEN WITH HATS.

That’s not unit diversity. That’s a costume change at Spirit Halloween.

THE GAMEPLAY:

This is Total War if you removed all the fun and replaced it with accounting homework.

You don’t conquer empires—you micromanage grain like a stressed-out Costco manager in 1200 BC.

“Oh no! My dynasty legitimacy is down 2% because my cousin sneezed wrong!”
WHO CARES?!
I’m trying to WAGE WAR, not host a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ family reunion simulator.

Every mechanic feels like it exists to:

Slow you down

Confuse you

Make you ask “why the ♥♥♥♥ is this even here?”

DYNASTIES MODE:

They hype this like it’s some revolutionary new feature.

What is it REALLY?

A menu with extra buttons.

That’s it.
That’s the feature.

You’re juggling heirs, bloodlines, marriages—
but none of it feels impactful. It’s like Crusader Kings if you removed all the personality and replaced it with beige wallpaper.

I’ve seen more excitement in a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet with conditional formatting.

THE MAP:

It’s HUGE.
And EMPTY.
Like a desert-themed parking lot.

You march armies across miles of nothing just to fight the same copy-paste army you fought TEN TURNS AGO.

No epic landmarks.
No famous cities that make you go “oh ♥♥♥♥!”
Just Mudhut #47 and Sandy Asscrack Province.

THE AI:

The AI is dumber than a sack of bricks left out in the sun for 3,000 years.

They:

Declare war for no reason

Break treaties immediately

Suicide their armies

Then act shocked when you annihilate them

It’s like playing chess against a pigeon that ♥♥♥♥♥ on the board and flies away.

PERFORMANCE & POLISH:

This game runs like it’s powered by two hamsters and a candle.

Menus lag.
Battles stutter.
Animations look stiff as embalmed corpses—which I guess is thematically accurate, but still SUCKS.

And the UI?
Good GOD.

Icons on top of icons on top of icons.
I need a Rosetta Stone just to understand what the ♥♥♥♥ half the symbols mean.

THE BIGGEST SIN:

This doesn’t feel like a Total War game.

It feels like:

A side project

A tech demo

A “please buy this so we can keep the lights on” release

No soul.
No passion.
No “one more turn” energy.

Just one more sigh.

FINAL VERDICT:

Total War: PHARAOH – DYNASTIES is:

Too boring to be epic

Too complex to be fun

Too shallow to be strategic

It’s like they took Total War, buried it in sand, pissed on it, and called it “historical authenticity.”

I’d rather:

Fight Rome for the 900th time

Play Medieval II on a toaster

Or bash my head into a pyramid

Than spend another hour with this dry, lifeless, sand-choked piece of ♥♥♥♥.

This game didn’t collapse because of the Bronze Age.
It collapsed because it’s BORING AS ♥♥♥♥.

Now excuse me while I go cleanse my brain with a real Total War game before I start worshipping the sun out of sheer despair.