Greetings. I’m Scabbers the Squire—legend, intellectual, and completely unappreciated genius.

Everything bad? Never my fault:
Fell in a moat? The moat attacked first.
Lost a duel to a broom? It cheated.
Got stuck in cheese? It was a trap. Delicious, but a trap.

My shining moment? I gallantly rode a goose into the royal banquet, shouting, "FOR GLORY AND GRAVY!"
The goose slipped on a turnip. I flew face-first into the king’s soup.
Hot. Humiliating. Possibly poisonous.

I was declared dead by dessert.

They buried me in a teacup.

Still not my fault.

– Sir Scabbers the Late