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Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.

Where's the bin? Dad: I haven't been anywhere!

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there's a Shortstop in between!

"Hold on, I have something in my shoe" "I'm pretty sure it's a foot"

Wife: Honey I'm pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I'll ketch up

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you're pretty repulsive yourself.

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies "sorry mate we only do plain"

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "man, it's really hot in here". The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"

What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bay-gulls!

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill"

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

"My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"

Q: What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a ♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they're not laughing now.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!

Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.

I fear for the calendar, it's days are numbered.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."

A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

Conjunctivitis.com – now that's a site for sore eyes.

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.