Stellar Blade is a Stellar game about a Stellar Babe showing off her Stellar frame, that is, her wonderful and flawless body in a healthy amount (nearly 200) of stylish and revealing outfits while slicing and dicing through an impressive variety of abominations and uncovering Biblical lore in near future South Korea. This is how you do social commentary with one hand, folks!

Essentially, it's an arousing tale of a Korean super model playing dress-up in the upcoming apocalypse through old school levels that incorporate a mix of level design you'd see in the likes of DMC, Bayonetta, and Nier, in combination with a Souls-like structure, all the while bending over backwards scantily clad while learning what it means to be human. It can be hard to focuse while hard, as the game does its best to encourage you to dive deep into the world of female fashion, to the point of obsession and even jealousy! Sometimes, I wanted EVE, while other times I wanted to be EVE! A conundrum indeed, yet it motivated me to scour the ends of the earth for all the ways she could reveal herself to me and the camera. Speaking of cameras, there is an in depth selfie and photo mode for you to enjoy, cementing EVE's K-pop idol status in the game and in the mind of us men of culture, whom have been fed well!

Somehow, it is all new and all too familiar at the same time. It feels like this game could have come out two or three console generations ago, which is mostly a good thing, as it really feels like a game simply meant to be played, which can at times be a bad thing, when you do remember it is just a game, and that you'll have to settle for merely looking under Eve's VERY short skirt, dominatrix fit, or bikini, but boy, is it convincing! Not to mention, addictive...

All in all, a truly esoteric experience. If you're a fan of endless beauty and endless action, you'll find in Stellar Blade, an experience visually intense due to its spectacular graphics, smooth animations, and lovely jiggle physics, equally acoustically intense thanks to its eargasmic soundtrack (from the relaxing camp songs to the bopping boss beats), its fluid controls, satisfying and skillful combat, and a surprisingly deep lore and interesting story. Proof that sex sells and depth keeps you is here, as no matter what people say, the game speaks for itself, and so do the reviews and the sales. Here we have a developer that knows its audience and continues to give us everything we've ever wanted. So please, where's the Raven and Tachy DLC? Lily's Christmas outfit? We need it... I... need it! Thank you for this masterful masterpiece and modern classic. Yes, I will pre-order the sequel. No, I'm not ashamed! Buy this game right now! It will improve your health!

Boobs out of 10
Butt out of 10
Legs out of 10
Feet out of 10
Underskirt out of 10

P.S. Perfect for the Steam Deck.

Alright, now for the "real review" for you nerds that aren't satisfied with entertainment for its own merit! Don't read this if you want a completely blind playthrough!

Combat! Think Bayonetta and Nier copulating with Sekiro and Dark Souls. You have your strings/combos, you have your guns, your perfect dodges, and the ever satisfying deflect, either of which you can then follow up with a variety of increasingly powerful skills. On the first playthrough, this game is really challenging, testing your patience, endurance, reflexes, and even your memory. Yet, on repeat playthroughs, you become so blatantly OP you melt all those around you (and not just because they're enamoured by EVE). Overall, very well balanced, but I will say that certain end game bosses made me feel like I was playing Tekken 8 (too aggressive, too many strings, weirdly evasive, lot of mental stack), plus WTF are those turret enemies (the ones on legs)? They literally have an attack where they gun you down, so if you eat the first hit, you have to eat all the other hits, often killing you? The stationary turrets aren't any better, as they aim, shoot, and then instantly aim and shoot again, giving you little time to hit them and are often places in places where you have to shoot them (good luck with no ammo). Why? The combat is so masterfully balanced for the vast majority of the game, so how did they mess up with these examples? Despite those few exceptions, it really is a super well done combat system that blends together old school hack and slash and new school Souls-like logic wonderfully. Well done, but do even better next time!

Exploration & Progression! You follow mostly linear levels that allow you to explore for all those collectibles (for lore) and more importantly outfits and accessories, the whole reason you're really playing the game. A few cool side quests with a few cool characters, my favourite being DIGGER for his name alone. This stuff ties into the endings as you'll need to get enough percentage of completion to get access to them, and there's even special cutscenes after the credits, including one for getting all the outfits, which I didn't expect at all! You also unlock skills and other upgrades for combat, and it all loops into itself, so you never really wanna stop playing, a sign of a good gameplay loop, which can be summed up as: story moment, fight goons, explore, fight boss, repeat.

Story! As I said, it is surprisingly deep and a lot more interesting than it initially seems. You might scoff and think it's a generic sci-fi story that blatantly takes from NGE, Ghost in a Shell, and Nier, but it takes those inspirations and makes them come together in a memorable way that really should be taking as a warning against AI and transhumanism, as development for its own sake can quickly swallow us whole...

VA! The Korean is cool, the Japanese is dramatic, and the Chinese a little funny, but still believable. They all work very well, but I'd personally recommend the original language first. The only language I do not recommend is English as it is overwhelming stiff and stilted, to the point that I can't take it seriously at all. It's pleasant to the ear, but it has not the same emotional impact nor level of epicness that the other languages captured. Unrelated, the Korean dub encouraged me to learn Hangul. 이부, 사랑해!

Music! So good but I can't really talk about it in too much detail to some of their titles. "Democrawler" is my favourite boss track, and "Blur" my favourite camp song. I'll also say that "Dawn" is a lovely song for all the times passing through the main hub. In general, the music that plays in the levels and open sections is spot on!

Flaws! love this game to death, but some things gotta change! One, please make all cutscenes and dialogue fully skippable. Really annoying for repeat playthroughs that specific ones couldn't be skipped! Two, the main two open-world sections are a little too big and too similar! Make the next ones smaller and more different for the sequel! Three, too many mid side-quests and not enough distinct characters. Four, missed story and lore opportunities! There are some things that are still too vague, including that which really should have been focused on! Five, more side content and game mechanics! Please give us more to do beyond basic exploration, combat, and fishing. More mini games needed! Improve the parkour! Maybe add more weapons and/or different characters to play as. Six, given that she as an "angel", maybe let EVE fly next time around, as this could open up some cool gameplay opportunities. Seven, since customisation is a massive part of the appeal, why are there so few hairstyles and hair colours?

Conclusion! A modern masterpiece, an instant classic, that single-handedly brought back my faith in gaming, and I genuinely can't wait to see what it does next. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered to 100% this game, getting all the collectibles, all the boss challenges, all endings, all outfits, accessories and hairstyles, and achievements. What a joy!

May your memories live on forever...