"You can't spell advertisements without the semen between the tits."

"Pedophiles don't like to win races, they always like to come in a little behind."

"If a blind woman is telling you that your penis is big, she's probably just pulling your leg."

"I didn't know what to wear to my "Premature Ejaculation Society" meeting, so I just came in my pants."

"I used to think that I had a Japanese friend. But it turns out it was just my Imagin-asian."

"Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."

"6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down."

"At home they treat me like God. I'm generally ignored until someone wants something."

"You can get your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ bleached and just tell people you changed your ringtone."

"I need an insensitive joke to tell my deaf friend, preferrably one they haven't heard."

"Everyday is leg day... When you're running from your problems."

"I'm no pituitary gland, but I can make a ♥♥♥♥♥-moan."

"I read an article about how porn can damage your brain, and I did not understand a damn thing."

"I came into a lot of money recently, which... is weird because I usually use a paper towel."

"Abortion really brings out the kid in you."