Recent reviews by Luke Puke

WOW! This was really awesome! I will write a proper review describing my experience later. there is a lot to uncover here!

Playing through this game was certainly a peculiar experience, to say the least. The closest comparison I can make is stumbling across the drawing book of an eight-year-old Brazilian boy who likes watching TV and football. This game blurs the line between imagination and madness, much like children’s art often does.

At its core, "BRAZILIAN DRUG DEALER 3: I OPENED A PORTAL TO HELL IN THE FAVELA TRYING TO REVIVE MIT AIA I NEED TO CLOSE IT" is a Brazilian total-conversion mod of the first Quake. The geographical origin matters, because the game draws its visuals and lore from distinctly Brazilian cultural elements. But it is the way it does this that feels most peculiar to me.

If making games were as easy as drawing in a notebook with colored pencils, you could not convince me this game was not created by a child. By no means do I use the child analogy in a derogatory manner. A child’s art is often crude, yes, but also boundlessly imaginative. So are the visuals and narrative in this game. They feel like an attempt to build a world without regard for logic or the functionality of space and things within it, as if the creator saw what the world looks like but did not quite understand how it works, leaving it to imagination to fill the gaps.

Imagine a child making a collage out of pictures he found online, printed, and carefully cut out. Here, he pastes a row of identical houses. There, he slaps on a long strip of asphalt to stand for a road. Alongside it, he adds cut-outs of street lamps. Then he grabs a gray marker and scribbles a few rectangles (those are supposed to be trash bins). Finally, he sticks some Brazilian flags here and there. Now imagine that same collage recreated in 3D with the most basic geometry, and you’ll have a perfect sense of the game’s level visuals.

Now imagine this world populated with figures drawn from Brazilian pop culture: a doll-parrot from an old TV show, a flying donkey lifted from a children’s comic, a mutt resembling the street dogs of São Paulo, and an enemy painted in the colors of a famous Brazillian street-dance troupe. They all coexist without hierarchy or coherence, like stickers pressed onto the same page simply because they happen to belong to the same childhood memory. Other enemies wear football fan clothes of the specific Brazilian club Flamengo (called “Faflamenco” in the game), and the main baddy is “Vasq Demon” (referencing Vasco da Gama club, Flamengo’s real-life football arch-nemesis).

I hope it’s clear what I meant by stumbling across the drawing book of an eight-year-old Brazilian boy who likes watching TV and football. However, I don’t want to create the impression that the whole game is crude or technically poor. No, it’s just the visuals and narrative.

Gameplay is good. After all, it uses Quake as its base. Most, if not all, enemies and weapons are reskins of the original Quake assets. Quake is an undoubted masterpiece, so the game already has a strong gameplay foundation.

Where it fundamentally differs is in its level design. Although visually it is, as described before, like the creation of a child, structurally it is very competently done. It perfectly complements Quake’s mechanics and is structured to incentivize non-stop, chaotic action. Maps are large, some quite complex, yet I never found myself stuck or frustrated. Enemies and keys are positioned in such a way that they naturally guide the player in the right direction. Using enemies as guiding breadcrumbs works throughout the whole game, and it never gets old. It’s not accidental, there is clear intention behind it. There are also no questionable dead ends, boring backtracks, soft-locks, or any other sins of poor level design. The competence is there, yet it’s invisible to the naked eye, obscured by the “childish” designs on top.

A solid gameplay foundation and competent level design are what allow the “childish” visuals and narrative to shine. The visuals repel with their ugliness, the narrative with its absurdity, yet the gameplay is so gripping it’s hard not to get invested and see the game through to the end.

Although gameplay can immerse the player to an extent, it can’t do it entirely. Even though the game has lore, obscure and culture-specific as it may be, I wasn’t invested in it. I wasn’t interested in exploring the maps on their own either. Yes, I enjoyed mowing enemies down and flying through surreal, childish spaces at a breakneck pace, but I wasn’t invested in what I was achieving in this world and didn’t care much about the world itself. It did impact my immersion and, consequently, my enjoyment of the game. I gradually grew tired of the childish part of it. I kept asking myself: “Why don’t I just play Quake instead?” Even though it didn’t have a deep story either, “fighting monsters to save the world or whatever” was enough for me to stay invested, and its beautiful yet grim locations compensated for the lack of story progression. A story about resurrecting and saving a Brazilian singer from a demon and fighting football fans and Brazillian cultural references just didn’t resonate with me that much. Luckily, the game is quite short.

In the end, I believe the experience is worth it. It’s Quake set in the peculiar world of an eight-year-old Brazilian kid. Except this “kid” is an adult man who happens to be a good musician. If I understand correctly, he composed a unique music track for each level, and that greatly contributes to the feel and flow of the gameplay. I recommend playing this game as fast as possible, without stopping to look around, wearing headphones. That way, its strengths will shine, and its rough edges won’t scratch. Researching lore is optional, but can add to enjoyment.

My recommendation for this game is strictly limited to research purposes only.

It’s not bad. For being both a slavjank and a movie-based game, "Mafia Contract Killer: Antikiller" is actually decent! The controls feel surprisingly good and responsive. Shooting is pleasant, albeit bland. Enemies are visually distinct and feature various animations and behaviors that make them feel lively rather than just inanimate shooting-range targets. Levels are visually interesting and carry a certain retro-graphics charm. And if you know the playable characters can climb boxes, you might even avoid getting hopelessly stuck!

As far as I understand, the story is told through clips cut straight from the movie. I assume the game follows the movie’s plot. I say “assume” because in my version the movie clip player was broken. Sometimes the clips played, sometimes not. Unfortunately, the game isn’t good enough to warrant fiddling with settings, trying to get highly compressed movie clips to run. Nor was I enticed enough to watch the 2002 Russian action movie it’s based on just to figure out what’s actually going on.

Because even though the game is not bad, it’s not good either.

Levels are simple arenas where nothing particularly interesting happens. Kill all enemies. Reach the end of the level. Those are the two tasks given, one or the other. There are 10 levels in total, and each lasts less than 5 minutes. That’s for the best, since the game doesn’t overstay its welcome and lets its retro charm carry it, before it runs out, leaving the player with nothing but a bland third-person shooter with dull levels and unchallenging enemies.

Enemies pose no danger. Their damage is minuscule. As if afraid some players might die from a thousand paper cuts, the developers decided to add a “rage” mechanic. A “rage meter” fills when an enemy is killed but constantly depletes, forcing the player to kill enemies in quick succession to maintain it. When the meter is full, the player’s health is fully restored, and the meter resets. On paper, it’s designed to encourage aggressive action. And it does! Unfortunately, the gameplay is so dull that “aggressive action” carries no risk and, consequently, no reward. In practice, the player never actually needs to restore health. Filling the rage meter requires little proactive effort, so it happens on its own from time to time. Combined with the negligible enemy damage, the player is practically invincible.

There are different weapons the player can use, but they all feel identical. Except for the shotgun, which somehow feels worse than the base pistol because it shoots slower and only at short range.

That’s about it. The game was designed for a very specific time-slot and a very specific audience: boys who watched Egor Konchalovskiy’s movie "Antikiller" and liked it enough to want to play a video game adaptation. Boys who wanted to step into the shoes of the movie character and participate in action moments. And I can see the appeal! If I were 10 and I watched a movie about a vigilante ex-cop fighting gangsters, I sure as sunrise would want to play as a vigilante ex-cop fighting gangsters with my toy guns. Do this in a video game?! No homework done, sorry teacher.

Well, I am decades late to enjoy the game as intended. And I assume you are too late for the party as well. Unless you’re a researcher with a particular interest in slavjanks or early-2000s graphics, you have nothing to see here. I give this review a thumbs-up only because I don’t want to discourage historical slavjank preservation on Steam. Otherwise, search for something better.

Back in the 1820s at Brixton Prison in London, prisoners were forced to rotate a hand-crank connected to paddles that pointlessly shifted sand. If Brixton kept that same attitude toward correction today, inmates would be forced to play "Sam Stoat: Safebreaker" instead. In an age of endless entertainment, voluntarily playing this game is a self-inflicted punishment.

The game is bad. It isn’t fun to play. That fact is only obscured by the confusion into which the game plunges the player. Judging by reviews from contemporary magazines, most reviewers got stuck at the very beginning, praised the graphics, and moved on, giving it a somewhat favorable score. A few managed to orient themselves enough within the game to realize it wasn’t actually that good.

I, a man from the future, a gaming archaeologist and game design enthusiast, have managed to figure out how this game works and plays. And I am not proud of it. Because I basically wasted my time playing with a turd.

There is no manual; the mechanics are never explained. What is the "Bloodmeter," and why does it sometimes deplete on its own and sometimes not? How do the platforms that rise and lower into the water work? Why do some enemies deal damage and others don’t? Luckily, the game does the bare minimum and states the goals: find a bomb, place it next to a safe, light the bomb fuse with a match, and get the diamond from the blown-up safe. The game description is even generous enough to mention that there is "the Bottle of Sam Stoat Healing Elixir in each house [that] replenishes your blood level." I will leave no mysteries, because no one should be tempted to uncover them on their own.

At the beginning, the player can select one of four houses. It’s the same level each time, but enemy speed increases with every house. The developer’s way of "increasing difficulty."

After the selection, the player appears in the first location. That’s where the mysteries begin: sometimes, when the player spawns, the "Bloodmeter" immediately starts to decrease. Sometimes it doesn’t. Is it random? What causes it? It’s kind of important, since the Bloodmeter represents HEALTH in this game. Having constantly depleting health creates a very tight time limit. In fact, time limit so tight, it is factually a delayed, yet certain game-over!

Here’s the answer: depending on where the player stood when selecting the house, he may have spawned touching an enemy. That enemy causes bleeding. And this bleeding drains health fast. The only way to stop bleeding is to find and touch the elixir. The elixir is deep into the house. You physically cannot reach it in time. That's why bleeding means a certain "game over". So, if the player chose the first house on its right side and not the left side, it's an instant, yet disguised-with-a-delay, game over. But the player does not realize it. "Maybe it is supposed to be this way?", he thinks.

No. The fact is, there are four types of enemies: damage dealers, stoppers, pushers, and bleeders. Most of the enemies are bleeders, meaning the player can walk past them freely but will begin to bleed unstoppably. Enemies have predetermined positions, and the player spawns at the exact screen position where he selected the house. This means he can spawn directly touching a bleeder, the enemy placed RIGHT AT THE HOUSE'S ENTRANCE.

That's just the beginning. Bad game design is around every corner. Unavoidable damage is part and parcel of this game, while providing healing at only one location. Worse yet, enemies have hitboxes much bigger than their visual sprites, reaching out to the sides and top (to cover all animation frames). So, the player may not touch an enemy visually, yet receive damage or, worse, the bleeding effect. I know it, because due to the game's graphical limitations, enemy hitboxes can actually be seen. And when you see it, you will feel disgusted. And if you remember that touching one of those implies bleeding, you will get righteously furious.

Just to complete the game at the easiest difficulty, you must master EVERY screen. That means mastering timings, patterns, and hitboxes of every enemy in the game. Keep in mind, timings in this game are just as disgusting as the hitboxes.

The game gives you clunky controls, yet demands near-perfect timing. This is most apparent during its "jump three pipes" sub-game. In this game, there are mouseholes that the player must enter to traverse to another location. Each mousehole has a gameplay segment where the player must jump over three rising and lowering pipes. If the player jumps in water, he loses health. If the player jumps on a moving pipe, he falls into water and loses health. The pipes move up and down pretty fast and the jumping ability is pathetic.

When the main character jumps, he flies a few pixels forward and then abruptly stops mid-air and falls directly down. Instead of a smooth curve /‾\ the jump looks like an abruptly cut slope /|.

As if the pathetic jump and tight timing weren’t enough, pipes move in cycles, meaning they don’t just rise one after another, but they change the order they rise in. Meaning, pipes don’t just rise "1", "2", "3" all the time, but rather "1", "3", "2", "2", "3", "1", "2", "3". The key to jumping over is to identify the cycle’s pattern and catch "1", "2", "3". Luckily, pipe movement is not random and there are about 3 or 4 cycles, each having 8 steps. Yeah, it caused much confusion for those who attempted to play the game. No, don’t try to waste your time and understand it. Just keep this in mind: the game demands you to wait for the right pattern and then jump on three pipes in perfect succession. It is not as difficult as it is mind-numbingly tedious. And the player has to do it many, many times. It's half of the damn game! And it sucks! And the other part sucks! So why bother?

When I realized the game has nothing to offer, yet requires full mastery just to complete it, I gave up and used save states. I reached the safe, placed the bomb, lit the match. What happened next made me quit the game.

After the fuse is lit, the player has to leave the room as soon as possible. The timing is extremely tight. Yet the genius developers decided to put a hard-to-avoid stopper enemy there, flanked by a bleeder and a damage dealer. I got stuck, the bomb went off, and I was back at the difficulty selection screen. Skill issue? Definitely. If someone wants to master every screen in this clunky mess, they’re welcome to. I have better things to do.

Once I cooled off, I reloaded the save and, after many attempts, barely made it out in time. Then came yet another round of mind-numbing pipe jumping before I could return to the safe room and finally see the diamond. I didn’t even bother trying to take it out of the house. I was done wasting my time.



When exploring retro games, there’s always a chance to stumble upon a hidden gem. But if Sam Stoat: Safebreaker teaches anything, it’s that there’s also the risk of digging up a forgotten turd. In such cases, it’s best to just leave it buried.

I love retro action-adventure games. I love when they are difficult and demand a real degree of mastery.

However, "Where Time Stood Still" was mostly a frustrating experience. I truly wanted to love this game. I wanted to figure it out. But the more I played, the more I realized its gameplay is an unbalanced, maddening mess. It pains me to admit this, because there is a rough gem buried within.

The player commands four plane-crash survivors, one at a time, stranded in a hostile environment somewhere in the Himalayas. They must face countless dangers, including treacherous terrain, man-eating dinosaurs, and violent tribespeople. On top of that, the survivors need to eat, drink, rest, heal injuries, fight, and search for items to overcome obstacles. Each character has a personal inventory, distinct traits, and unique quirks. For example, one character understands the natives’ language and, if present during conversations, translates for the rest of the group.

The goal is to survive and find a way back to civilization. At least one survivor must make it to the end, but the ultimate challenge is to bring the entire group through alive. Exploring the Himalayas in this game is genuinely exciting. The locations are diverse and beautifully drawn. A lot of clever ideas and artistic skill went into crafting a picturesque, richly detailed world. Remarkably, the game world has aged almost flawlessly, still evoking wonder and a sense of wilderness exploration despite the heavy technical limitations under which it was created.

Doesn’t all of this sound exciting? The game could have been a hidden gem, a timeless action-adventure masterpiece.

Unfortunately, it was robbed of such status and, consequently, of fun by a mix of technical limitations and idiotic design decisions.

Some shortcomings are annoying but at least understandable. The first is that the game aims to provide the experience of leading a group of clueless survivors through high-risk environments, and it does this a little too well. Characters are actively irritating. When the lead character stands still, the rest of the group wanders around randomly. They do not stray far, but controlling how they follow is difficult and unintuitive. This matters because if they get stuck and leave the player’s view, they start moving independently. To get them to follow again, the player must track them down. This slows the already clunky gameplay to a snail’s pace. Keep in mind, there is no smooth movement. To change direction, the player must stop and rotate, while the other characters are already shifting positions.

Another issue is that every character has collision. The player cannot walk through companions, and they constantly block the path. There is no way to move them. The player either has to wait for them to move or try to walk around. Making matters worse, the only way to switch characters is for the currently controlled one to die. When that happens, the player can take control of another survivor.

And then comes the next issue: there is no save function. Normally, this is not a fatal flaw, but in the case of this game it is catastrophic. The reason why will soon be obvious.

If the earlier issues could be forgiven as clumsy design, the next one cannot. Whoever thought this was acceptable sabotaged the entire game. I am not exaggerating.

Instant deaths. This game is full of them. All of them are completely unfair and punish the player for no reason whatsoever.

From a game design perspective, what is the point of an instant-death trigger in a video game? It is there to create a high-risk, high-tension situation where the cost of failure is as great as it gets. The player knows there is no room for mistakes. Overcoming instant-death obstacles can be exhilarating! It can also be devastating to fail... Which is part of the appeal!

What is the worst thing a game designer can do with death triggers? Make them random. Replace risk with random chance, take away the tension, and leave only the punishment. Punishment administered not because of the player’s performance, but because of an algorithmic dice roll.

Where Time Stood Still is FULL of random instant deaths. Some of them are outright insulting. Just to make it clear: there are random instant deaths of named characters in a group-survival action-adventure game, with no save system and companions you cannot control! The player has no way of preventing such deaths or responding to danger. The group walks, and suddenly a pterodactyl appears and snatches one of the members. The group rests, and then a T-Rex shows up and kills everyone; a T-Rex that runs literally at the same speed as the group. Or a wild armadillo that appears out of nowhere and instantly kills whoever is closest. The list goes on till Jupiter.

The best example of the issue is the swamp. To progress, the group has to cross it. First, the player has to find the right path (there are many paths, but all except one are dead ends). While on the path, if characters stand still, they start sinking. If they don’t move for a second, they sink completely and die. Along the path are tentacles that can snatch and instantly kill. As if this wasn’t enough, the pterodactyl also flies along the swamp path and randomly snatches group members. And don’t forget, the player cannot control companions or their following patterns. The player may carefully avoid a tentacle on the right side of the path... Only for a group member to walk straight into it and get instantly killed.

This is outright insulting. The player is not punished for his actions. He is punished for poor pathfinding and the developers’ bad design decisions.

The whole game is full of gambling. There are deterministic actions and paths the player must take in order to progress. At the same time, there is an algorithmic dice constantly rolling and randomly deciding whether to punish the player or not.

Maybe if there were a save system, or at least checkpoints, it could be bearable. But every time you lose, you must start from the very beginning of the game. Maybe this could have been okay too, if you could get back on track quickly. But you can’t.

Remember that characters have to eat, drink, and rest. Each has their own stats. If the player wants to lead the group, he has to make stops. Frequent stops. Because characters get tired, and their energy meters take absurdly long to restore. Without frequent rests, they will simply deplete. To make things even worse, the developers added the mechanic of group members getting impatient and wandering off on their own. The absurdity is that they get pissed off while resting! So, they complain about how dead tired they are and then demand the player to move forward. This is absolutely ridiculous. So, frequent rests are a must.

So are sluggish inventory manipulations. Be prepared to move a cursor using the keyboard: clicking buttons, watching slow animations, dragging items to slots, and waiting for characters to pick them up. Yes, waiting for characters to pick items up, because they first have to walk to the item. And with the game’s pathfinding, you’d better hope the item is right at their feet.

At the beginning, the player has to pick up five items scattered around the starting location. Then walk all the way to the bridge and repeat the same actions again, and again, and again to save a group member who falls. Making frequent stops, doing the same things, like using food and water, over and over. Hoping to reach the swamp without the pterodactyl snatching anyone away. Hoping to cross the swamp with at least someone still alive. Hoping there isn’t a T-Rex waiting at the end of the mountain crossing. Only for bad odds rob the player of all progress. Repeat.

It’s not fun. The game quickly becomes a repetitive monotony with gambling elements. If you want to grind through it just to prove you can endure the experience, go ahead. Otherwise, use an emulator with save states. Or don’t bother.

Slavjanks can be a hit or miss. You usually expect somewhat choppy gameplay, but that can be outweighed by originality in the narrative, visuals, or even the gameplay itself.

"Patriot: DemocratiZation" is a miss. It’s neither fun nor interesting to play. Its mid-2000s visual charm and silly plot are not enough to outweigh the atrocious gameplay, which is both annoying and bland.

I will give this game credit where credit is due: the developers were aware of the common slavjank criticisms, such as convoluted progression sequences and hyper-accurate enemies, and they worked on solutions. “Solutions” is the keyword here. The issues are still present, but there are also “solutions” meant to counterbalance them.

Enemies are hyper-accurate and hyper-reactive. They are basically laser pointers on legs that, once aggroed, immediately lock onto the player and run toward his position. I am not exaggerating the laser pointer analogy. It literally feels like the computer projects a laser from the enemies’ heads, aiming at the player’s hitbox the instant it’s exposed. Even the slightest part of the hitbox triggers a perfect shot. It’s ridiculous. If the player peeks around a corner, the enemy behind it fires instantly, then stops as soon as the hitbox leaves the reach of its “laser aim,” as if there’s a continuous beam being broken. Gunshots are just an audio cue in this game.

As if aim-bots with wallhacks weren’t enough, the player’s hitbox is bigger than his view area. This means that before the player even has the chance to see an enemy, the enemy can already see the player’s “shoulders” and shoot with marksman-level precision. It is literally impossible to avoid damage once enemies are aggroed.

Enemies are aggroed by sighting the player or by gunfire. In this game, it’s typical to enter a room and find a bunch of dummies wandering aimlessly. The moment the player fires a shot, those dummies instantly transform into killing machines and snap their laser aims onto the player. There is no stealth. There’s a so-called “silent rifle,” but by the game’s logic it’s as loud as any other weapon. What a joke.

Now this review faces the same question the developers of this game did: if nearly every enemy delivers unavoidable damage, how can a player ever hope to progress past the first location? Well, here are the “solutions”: make enemies deal minuscule damage and make them drop health kits and armored vests frequently. Death by a thousand papercuts.

Combined, these problems and solutions create a monotonous, boring, annoying gameplay loop: peek the corner, shoot an enemy, duck back into cover. Don’t try to be smart, take angles, or attempt other “tactical” maneuvers. In this game, the player is forced to mindlessly expose himself, then immediately hide from the laser beam to avoid continuous damage, all while trying to score a kill or two. After the massacre is over, the player has to methodically walk over every corpse to collect ammo, health, and armor. Rinse and repeat.

To the developers’ credit, I was never stuck. I always had enough health and ammo. This abundance, however, also meant that there was no real challenge. Just unfair engagements and generously replenished resources.

Unfortunately, there is another major adverse effect of such balancing. Throughout years of playing other shooters, I have been conditioned to interpret “getting shot” as a failure of my skill. In most shooters, you’re not supposed to get hit, and if you do, it means you made a mistake. In this game, I got shot constantly, by nearly every enemy. Even though I logically understood it wasn’t my fault, I still instinctively felt as if it were. It did not feel good. Along with bland gameplay, it felt draining and annoying. I was constantly on edge. And not in a good way.

On the other hand, there are the convoluted progression sequences. These were plentiful, but thanks to the mini-radar that always points to the exact area to go, none of them actually caused any issues. I had to shoot explosive barrels to make a hole in a wall, drive a truck so I could jump on top of it to reach a vent, and find an electric fuse for an elevator. Again, the problem and the solution together didn’t create an engaging puzzle-solving experience; they just made the whole thing uninspiring. Not bad, not good, simply forgettable.

Unfortunately, this game does not offer anything to counterbalance its annoying, tedious gameplay. The story is serviceable, and the visuals have retro charm. Sometimes, games can be so bad they’re good. This one is so bland, it’s just bad.

Do not recommend to anyone. A complete waste of time.

"Mindless" is a pejorative frequently used to describe shooters that lack any gameplay complexity and require little to no skill in order to play through.

"Dead Trash" is a mindless shooter. However, I did not mind it being one. In fact, I quite enjoyed it! Possibly due to the timing, where my life is stressful and requires much effort and attention to various challenges, Dead Trash was able to bypass my critical barriers and allow me to have the simple fun of pointing the mouse cursor at sprites and pressing the left mouse button over and over and over again.

However, it was able to do so due to its qualities. No, it does not have sophisticated balance to challenge the player in any meaningful way. But it feels good to shoot random hobos and bozos in it. Weapons are drawn well, satisfyingly animated, and have impactful sound design and special effects. Upon being hit, enemies show a reaction, albeit simple, and emit tons of blood particles. If you come close to an enemy and blast it with a double-barreled shotgun, it will become a bloody mush! Although enemy variety is mostly visual, this variety is rich. There are two types of enemies, melee and ranged, but among them are all kinds of visually interesting freaks with their own grunts, huffs, and puffs. There is a hobo covered in bags that, when killed, explodes into rats that scuttle across the floor! Does he differ from any other hobo gameplay-wise? Do those rats do anything? Not really. But it looks cool. And that’s good enough.

Levels are mostly straight corridors, big empty rooms, and infrequent hubs. The corridors are not claustrophobic classical “1 unit high mazes”. They do feel “squarish,” as if everything is on a grid, but the height varies. Rooms are simple arenas. Nothing special about the hubs. What matters is, texture work is rich and varied. Textures really do bring life into otherwise boxy corridor mazes and make them look like abstract representations of actual places, like a dirty city, stinky underground, or a high tech lab. Levels feel unique and are representational enough in their texture work to give an idea as to where the player finds himself. And that's good enough.

Mazy level design allows the player to sit back, follow a clear path, and shoot whoever appears along the way. Occasionally, you explore a hub and other corridors to find a key. I was never lost. And that's good enough.

Spongy bosses are there. They are not annoying and add a slight variety. Why not? Good enough.

There is also a story, and it’s just perfectly simple for a game like this: bad guys do bad stuff! Brilliant in its dullness. Although I have to admit, the pictures the story is delivered through are entertaining! Humorous, charming in its honest immaturity.

I also really liked the gimmick of having to break trash bags and trash containers to find ammo. Even though this gimmick fades into obscurity later in the game, it did add to the feeling that the main character is, well, also a hobo, just like everyone else around him. An immersive detail backed by gameplay. Love it.



If you need to let some steam off and relax, I do recommend Dead Trash for play. Not recommended for anyone who wants any sort of challenge or intricate level design. Do you want to experience simple fun for an hour and a half, shooting hobos, mutants and scummy government agents?

Then, Dead Trash is good enough.

Awful. This game has no redeeming qualities, none at all.

The graphics are ugly, lacking even a hint of retro charm. There is no level design to speak of, just empty spaces filled with randomly scattered boxes and convoluted tunnels. Enemies are mindless drones that do nothing but run toward the player once in range. Some carry firearms, but they are so inconsequential that their existence can be ignored entirely. In fact, that applies to every enemy. The best strategy is to avoid them all and hope to stumble upon the exit. Exits aren’t marked or indicated in any way, not even contextually. At one point, the game states: “The main bad guy is underground, I must catch him.” Naturally, one would expect the exit to feature a descending motif, like maybe a staircase. Instead, it’s just a random doorframe with nothing but skybox behind it.

Weapons aren’t merely bland; they are downright unsatisfying! Their timing is clunky, their impact nonexistent. There is no noticeable area-based damage, so combat devolves into nothing more than pointing the mouse and clicking at low-resolution sprites. You’d get the same “fun” by clicking icons on your desktop, minus the frustration.

The grand finale is a fight with the so-called final boss, Malone. He carries a shotgun that kills the player in about three hits, yet it takes several blasts from the player’s shotgun to bring him down. Once defeated, the player will search for yet another unmarked exit doorframe.

Behind this doorframe, you won't find satisfaction from beating the game. Oh no, if you are anything like me, you will find pure dread from realizing the precious 30 minutes wasted will never be gained back! As per writing this review, the game has been removed from Steam. I hope this review will allow you to rest assured that you not only lost nothing, but actually saved time. Use it to play good games. Or read good reviews ;)

Would you accept a free ticket to a post-modernist exhibition? If so, I recommend that you play "How Fish Is Made." You will find plenty of material for subjective interpretation in the multiplicity of meanings presented in a playful and absurd manner. Don't let the big red thumbs down above my review deter you from a potentially enjoyable experience. Ignore this review. This review is not for you. Just like the game was not for me.

Going into the game, I expected a narrative-driven atmospheric horror experience, and the game provided exactly that! With a catch but about it later. What matters now is that the game is competently made, and I believe it successfully delivers its intended experience. The experience is not enjoyable; it's tense, oppressive, and evokes stress through having to make a choice without possessing any information about its consequences.

The game offers the player a choice: UP or DOWN? While the outcomes of each option are significantly different, the game intentionally keeps the results of these divergent paths hidden until the player makes his choice in the end. Only after the path, be it UP or DOWN, is taken, does the player become aware of its consequences.

This concept fits really well with the game's setting, visuals, and atmosphere. The player assumes the role of a sardine in a grim location referred to as "a machine" by the game's store page description. Referring to the location as "a machine" is telling, since a machine can roughly be defined as a purposefully constructed system made up of various components that work together to perform a specific task. The game does not tell who constructed the machine or how the main character ended up in it. That's beside the point. The point is, the main character is a raw material used by the machine to perform its task.

The machine is not designed to be welcoming. It is a place of death. Tunnels with rusty metal walls, old leaky metal pipes, metal grate floors... It's all cold metal, metal, metal... Unless it's organic. The journey of a fish through the tunnels will inevitably lead to the fulfillment of the machine's function, be it UP or DOWN. There is no escape from the cold metal tunnels. There is only UP or DOWN.

The main character is not the only fish in the machine. Along his journey, the player will meet other fish, each having to make the same choice between UP and DOWN, and each knowing as little as the player initially. Each fish deals with the circumstances differently. Some are scared and unsure. Some are overly sure for no reason. Some claim superior knowledge but have nothing to back such claims up. Some observe others for guidance, while others do their own thing. The game makes it clear: there is no way of knowing what awaits behind each path. The player is asked to make a decision knowing nothing about its consequences.

In the end, it's not even about the choice. It's about how you, as the player, perform under such uncertainty. The game spells it out directly through one of its characters that the player may interact with shortly before making his choice: "Do you understand yet? This choice that has been given to a worthless critter like you? That is the gift. Not the outcome. Did the uncertainty scare you? Or does it scare you more to know there is no choice for you at all? Then all of this would have been for nothing. But wouldn't it feel better? Don't flatter yourself. This is not about making a decision. This is a test of conviction. Have you strayed from your path? Have you been honest and true to your truth, even to others?"

The player's conviction is tested through dialogue options. Some fish can ask the player what his choice will be. Each time, the player is free to choose between UP and DOWN as they wish. Was the player consistent in his choice? Was he truthful? As much as I am aware, the "test of conviction" is a self-test. The only judge is the player himself. The game does not care. The outcome of the choice is predetermined. The machine will perform its function regardless of the player's behavior. The player can only choose whether the machine will perform UP or DOWN. And that's not much of a choice.

So far, it may sound intriguing. Indeed, if the game were to focus on the journey of a fish navigating a cold and impersonal mechanical world, surrounded by other fish equally uncertain about the consequences of their choices, and ultimately fulfilling the designed tasks of the machinery through their journey, it would elevate the entertainment and value of the game in my view. The tagline "DO FISH FEEL PAIN?" could serve as a compelling starting point for exploring such an experience. Do fish feel pain? Well, fish in the game certainly can feel fear, anxiety, and other human emotions. Logically and empathetically, the answer to the question is "Yes." Even though anthropomorphizing non-human living creatures doesn't necessarily reflect their actual experiences, it can be valuable to take a more sympathetic look at them and be more considerate towards all expressions of the most beautiful phenomenon we call "life."

But the game doesn't focus on answering such questions through the experiences it offers. Instead, it offers post-modernist art installations throughout.

You will see a fish stuck in one of six-pack rings. The fish will refer to the six-pack rings as its "throne." This imagery possibly critiques consumer culture and ocean pollution through absurd and thought-provoking symbolism.

You will see a big fish with a parasitic isopod that replaced the fish's tongue. The player is able to communicate with this isopod. Doing so will activate a singing performance, where the isopod will wear a top hat, wave around a used cotton stick, shake its tail towards the camera, and sing nonsensical text, all the while disturbing footage, such as rotting pig brain time-lapse, playing in the background. I can only assume it's some sort of playful and ironic performance with a message that went beyond my comprehension.

You will see a fish looking at a used condom with a dead fish inside. The observing fish will exclaim: "What did we do to deserve bearing witness to such glory? It... It must mean something. But what? What is it trying to say?" A long monologue then proceeds, in which the fish manically describes its fascination with the used condom with a dead fish inside, how it observed every detail to understand its meaning and message behind it, and other nonsense. This scene possibly serves as an ironic self-critique of post-modernism as an art form that relies on the viewer to come up with their own interpretations and meanings.

You will see many more exhibitions in "How Fish Is Made." As was mentioned at the beginning of this review, you will find plenty of material for subjective interpretation in the multiplicity of meanings presented in a playful and absurd manner.

I am not interested in the subjective interpretation of post-modernist art. I did not enjoy the presence of post-modernist art pieces in the game. I liked the base experience, which is a fish going through a machine. I did not enjoy post-modernist art pieces placed along the journey. In my opinion, these pieces severely diluted the otherwise atmospheric horror experience with a clear message. Unfortunately, the base experience has being diluted to such degree, I could extract it only during writing this review and not the gameplay itself. I feel a bit sad knowing experience I would have enjoyed is there. Hidden under the piles of nonsense, absurd, and vacuous disturbing imagery.

Would you accept a free ticket to a post-modernist exhibition? I would not.

"Alchemist" is a distilled action-adventure. It is only slightly more complex than the genre originator, "Adventure," on Atari 2600. In Alchemist, the player will explore an open location, search for items, figure out their uses to progress, and then test his abilities and understanding of the game's mechanics against a challenging path leading to a tough boss.

The fun of Alchemist lies in exploration and experimentation. The player is free to traverse from screen to screen and uncover new areas. There are no hard-coded limitations or boundaries as to where he can go. However, there are enemies to prevent him from progressing too far without properly equipping the main character. To progress, the player will have to unravel the functions of items he encounters while exploring. There are no explanations, so it's up to him to figure out where to go and the uses of the items he finds. The more proficient he is with the game's mechanics and the more knowledgeable he is about game items, the more freely he can explore the location.

The goal of the game is to find four pieces of "The Spell of Destruction" and cast the spell on "the Warlock." Finding the pieces will require the player to experiment with the found items. Fortunately, the solutions are not obscure to the point of requiring a walkthrough. After finding the pieces, the player has to locate the Warlock, get close to him, and cast the Spell of Destruction. This, however, is easier said than done, as getting to the Warlock requires careful preparation and planning.

The less you know about the game, the better. This game is not so much about using game mechanics, but rather exploring them. Read the game's manual online and dive in!

If you study game design or are a retro games enthusiast, I recommend playing Alchemist to experience the action-adventure genre in its purest form. Seeing a game genre in isolation can teach you a lot about the game mechanics that define it.

I will continue my review with critique and as such I draw a spoiler-line. Reading beyond this point may be detrimential to your experience of Alchemist.

SPOILER LINE

The player can traverse the location in either the Alchemist form or Eagle form, between which he can switch freely, provided he has enough Spell Energy. My first assumption was that the Eagle form is for mobility, whereas the Alchemist form is for functionality. However, this has proven to be wrong, as the Alchemist form is redundant and serves no purpose. Alchemist cannot traverse most of the location, whereas Eagle can go anywhere. In the Eagle form, the player can perform every action, such as picking up items, using spells, and fighting enemies, all while being much more mobile than in the Alchemist form. It's a puzzling design decision to allow the Eagle to perform these actions, rendering the Alchemist useless. The only unique ability of Alchemist is shooting lightning from his hands, but as the next paragraph will showcase, this contributes to nothing.

Based on common gaming conventions, the player would reasonably assume that shooting lightning would be the primary way to fend off enemies. However, after applying this theory into practice, the player will inevitably be disappointed. First of all, the enemies struck by lightning will most likely still be alive. Second, the main character's Spell Energy would be quickly depleted to zero. Having no Spell Energy in the Alchemist is bad news. It takes FIVE MINUTES for Spell Energy to regenerate from "00" to "99". Spell Energy, as the name suggests, is needed to execute spells, including switching to the Eagle form. Keep in mind, the enemy might still be there. And the next room will have enemies too. Enemies also randomly respawn upon the player re-entering the room. At this pace, the player won't see the end of Alchemist until retirement!

You can imagine the feeling of despair that comes after seeing how ineffective the lightning is and how long it takes for Spell Energy to regenerate. If this were how combat worked in Alchemist, the game would be borderline unplayable. However, lightning is nothing but a spoof - a beginner's prank, if you may. The most efficient way of dealing with enemies is to face them. Literally. When the main character touches enemies, they receive damage! Of course, the main character also takes damage in return. The touch between the main character and an enemy is supposed to simulate a "physical fight" (the player has to use his imagination!). As in real life, it's best to come prepared for such occasions.

Around the location, there are weapon-shaped items. Carrying such items allows the player to defeat enemies quicker while receiving less damage. The most powerful weapons can trivialize most enemies. However, violence is not always the answer in Alchemist. The main character can carry only one item at a time. While weapons do allow for more freedom in exploring the location, to progress, the player has to find the four pieces of The Spell of Destruction. As such, the player will have to figure out how to use non-weapon items to progress. The one-item-at-a-time limitation provides interesting decisions for the player: should he keep the weapon and explore more? Should he take the item and return to the base? Or should he return to the base with the weapon, restock his health, and then attempt to pick up the item? Although this mechanic may sound arbitrary, it does provide gameplay depth and contributes to the overall enjoyability.

To further assist the player on his journey, there are "lesser spells" all over the location. The main character can carry one lesser spell at a time, and each spell provides a unique ability. This is a cool concept idea, but again, there is an issue with balancing. One spell has only one use, and it's used purely for progression (it's more of a key than a spell). Among the other three spells, there is a clear winner. See if you can spot it:

• Shield - mitigates all enemy damage for some time. Uses 24 Spell Energy points, lasts 3 seconds.
• Bewitch - freezes all enemies on the screen for some time (enemies can still deal damage). Uses 24 Spell Energy points, lasts 3 seconds.
• Regenerate - exchanges Spell Energy points into Stamina points (stamina = health). Uses 1 Spell Energy point per 1 Stamina point.

Two spells prevent damage to health for a ridiculously short amount of time, one spell generously restores health. There is no competition. Perhaps if there were enemies so tough that they could instantly kill you upon touch, then the Shield spell would be useful. Similarly, if there were enemies that chased the main character or were extremely quick, the Bewitch spell might find some utility. However, as it stands, the Regeneration spell is the best pick for any situation in the game.

There are no "situational" nuances in Alchemist; there are only the best solutions. That's precisely why I stated that the game is not so much about using game mechanics, but rather exploring them. Initially, the player does not have knowledge of what is "the best." This knowledge comes from exploration and experimentation. Moreover, this knowledge is not useless; it is essential to defeat the main boss. If the player goes to face the Warlock with anything less than the best spell and the best weapon, he will perish.

That's why I don't think the imbalance in Alchemist is necessarily a bad thing. Yes, most of the items are junk, but that's the point. It's up to the player to find the gold among them. The only way to discover this (aside from going online and cheating yourself out of fun using walkthroughs) is to explore the entire location, find all the items, and determine which is the best through experimentation.

I had a lot of fun doing exactly that: exploring and experimenting. Finding out how to get the four pieces was also fun and exciting when I finally figured it out.

Alchemist provided me with a tough, but rewarding experience. It was fun!