I have ruled Wadiya with strength, wisdom, and a perfect beard since I was seven years old. Under my leadership, Wadiya has prospered — we have the cleanest uranium, the most loyal citizens (especially after the executions), and the most beautiful women, all of whom adore me, of course. The world misunderstands me; they call me a “dictator,” but I see myself as a loving father to my people — a father who sometimes must publicly execute his children to teach the others discipline.