I'm currently working as a cook at a dingy restaurant: Living paycheck to paycheck.

My boss only cares about money. He is a greedy bastard who treats me like I’m nothing but a glorified slave. He is so crabby and demanding. Especially during rush hour. If he could find someone else, he would replace me in a heartbeat.

My girlfriend just dumped me. FML. But I got a crush on this new girl. I first got talking to her on Discord (Stardew Valley) and I couldn't help but notice her incredibly sexy accent. She wants to become an astronaut or a marine biologist. And according to her Facebook profile, she is a certified dolphin trainer, a fan of Jackie Chan (a Korean pop idol, I assume), and her favorite movie is Kill Bill (I'm a big fan of martial arts myself).

My best friend is a self-proclaimed rockstar. Unfortunately, he's lazy and obese; and all he ever does is goof around. I don't mind that he doesn't have a computer or anything. And I really couldn't care less about his weight problem—truth be told, his morbid fascination with mayonnaise has grown on me over the years—however, his total lack of common sense is taking its toll on me. A case in point: ''Are you a girl?'', he asked—100% deadpan—when the astronaut/martial artist showed up at our pool party the other day (she was wearing a bikini!). Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he has been living under a rock. I hate him. In my heart of hearts, I know I just envy him because he doesn’t have to go to work. Freedom. No responsibilities whatsoever. But at the end of the day, he’s all I got. He's my buddy, neighbor, sidekick, and jellyfishing partner extraordinaire. He's my rock. He's my star.

My coworker always makes fun of me. He bosses me around while acting all high and mighty. Standing up for myself isn't easy. I really hate how shy I am sometimes. Even the customers feel sorry for me. I wish I had his confidence. His job (cashier). His looks (nose). His ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ clarinet. But of course I'm never going to tell him that.

You see, I put a brave face on everything, but I'm actually depressed and insecure. Deep down, I feel ugly, undesirable and unacknowledged. I'm dying on the inside; and I haven't told anyone that either (except for my extremely sheltered roommate who doesn't speak English).

And the worst part is I LIVE IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA


actual summary of some movies and games

the wolf of wall street
There are no wolves in the movie.

portal 2
The cake is a lie.

the wizard of oz
transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

twilight
a story of a young woman's choise to practice either bestiality or necrophilia.

air bud
imagine being a fernfield basketball player and losing your job to a golden retriever.

lord of the rings
group spends 9 hours returning jewelry.

titanic
everyone tries the ice bucket challenge.

beauty and the beast
stockholm syndrom works.

star wars ep 5
talking frog convinces son to kill his dad.

forest gump
drug addicted girl takes advantage of mentally challanged boy.

snow white and the seven dwarfs
a guy that's alone in the forest kisses a dead body while seven other guys watch.

harry potter
noseless guy has an unhealty obsession with a teenage boy.

the chronicles of narnia
kid comes out of the closet.

the shining
a familiy's first airbnb experience goes very wrong.

batman vs superman
paranoid billionaire afraid of immigrant.