Small asian child found unconcious near computer, mayor says zombies to blame

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Asian boy awakes from comatose state

17 septembre 2009 - DLCI | 0 commentaires

Earlier this morning the country was shocked when the small boy who collapsed in front of his computer regained consciousness in the local hospital where he was being treated. Many cities had been thrown into civil unrest following Mayor D.L. Seeyi's claims that zombies were to blame, and a brewing firestorm of zombie related animosity finally reached the breaking point.

The hospital was keeping strict isolation on the boy's room, not allowing any visitation by anyone other than family members and barring the media from entering his room, however, the boy's doctor agreed to release a statement regarding his condition.

Doctor Phillip Loyd, a forensic pathologist specializing in zombies and zombie related injuries told us the following, "We are uncertain at this time of the extent of the brain damage that might have resulted from his collapse. At this point, we are not even certain the boy speaks english. Upon his regaining consciousness I asked him if he knew where he was, and got no answer, so I asked him if he remembered what he was doing before he woke up in the hospital and he still did not reply. Finally after several minutes of blank stares he spoke 'yo wut iz goin on eye waz jus pizing bayds whit mai deeg da hell iz dis'. We have no one on staff who speaks either chinese or korean, but our staff psychiatrist Dr. Morimoto confirmed that it definitely was not japanese. However, it is also possible that the boy suffered head trauma which injured his language center and he is suffering from a form of aphasia, or he could simply be speaking gibberish. We have also not ruled out the possibility that the child was mentally retarded before his collapse and simply unable to communicate normally. At this point I would conclusively state once more that there is no evidence of zombie involvement whatsoever."

Civil unrest has quieted down somewhat since yesterday, but several areas are still unsafe for travel while riot police try to contain looting and vandalism.

As expected, we have still been unable to contact the mayor's office. How much longer the mayor can remain locked in his office while his secretary blocks his incoming calls is anyone's guess.

Anti-zombie tensions lead to rioting

15 septembre 2009 - DLCI | 0 commentaires

The events of the last few days have sparked a fervor of pro-zombie and anti-zombie tensions that are sweeping the country. Both sides seem charged by allegations that zombies were involved in the collapse of a young asian child, even though forensic analysis and the official police reports deny any zombie involvement.

While pro-zombie outrage has been strong, anti-zombie sentiments have been the worst, with a seemingly grassroots undercurrent of zombie hatred bubbling over into full blown rioting. Several major cities exploded with riots that have lasted the better part of the day, with looting, vandalism and random violence, directed towards zombies, throwing the urban areas into chaos.

The worst of it took place in suburban long island new york, with roving anti-zombie gangs brutally attacking any undead-american they came across. These gangs even went so far as to break into houses owned by zombie citizens, dragging the victims out into the street where they were beaten severely, tied up, and in some cases, set on fire. According to one eyewitness, a Mr. A. Lenn, "It was horrible, these thugs broke into the home of my next door neighbor, pulled him screaming out of his house by his ankles, tied him to a lampost and then poured gasoline on him before igniting him with a torch! How can people do things like this?"

None of the victims of these attacks were seriously injured, but many were traumatized and a few were greatly inconvenienced as one undead man explains, "Do you have any idea how embarassing it is to have to spend an hour on your hands and knees in the middle of the day searching through the grass in your front yard trying to find your eyeballs? It's humiliating! Not to mention I'm going to smell like burnt hamburger for at least a week."

Authorities have tried to contain the unrest but have so far been unsuccessful, as riot police are greatly outnumbered by rioters who remain on the move and have kept police unable to contain the angry mobs to isolated city blocks.

The governor of New York reportedly claimed that all of this madness would stop if Mayor D.L. Seeyi would simply apologize, but we have been unable to verify the authenticity of this quote.

The mayor still has refused to comment and continues to ignore all of our attempts to contact him. Bystanders have reported that he has shut his window-blinds and locked the door to his office, leading political analysts to conclude that he is hiding.

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