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Asian boy awakes from comatose state

DLCI — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:26:32 +0000

Earlier this morning the country was shocked when the small boy who collapsed in front of his computer regained consciousness in the local hospital where he was being treated. Many cities had been thrown into civil unrest following Mayor D.L. Seeyi's claims that zombies were to blame, and a brewing firestorm of zombie related animosity finally reached the breaking point.

The hospital was keeping strict isolation on the boy's room, not allowing any visitation by anyone other than family members and barring the media from entering his room, however, the boy's doctor agreed to release a statement regarding his condition.

Doctor Phillip Loyd, a forensic pathologist specializing in zombies and zombie related injuries told us the following, "We are uncertain at this time of the extent of the brain damage that might have resulted from his collapse. At this point, we are not even certain the boy speaks english. Upon his regaining consciousness I asked him if he knew where he was, and got no answer, so I asked him if he remembered what he was doing before he woke up in the hospital and he still did not reply. Finally after several minutes of blank stares he spoke 'yo wut iz goin on eye waz jus pizing bayds whit mai deeg da hell iz dis'. We have no one on staff who speaks either chinese or korean, but our staff psychiatrist Dr. Morimoto confirmed that it definitely was not japanese. However, it is also possible that the boy suffered head trauma which injured his language center and he is suffering from a form of aphasia, or he could simply be speaking gibberish. We have also not ruled out the possibility that the child was mentally retarded before his collapse and simply unable to communicate normally. At this point I would conclusively state once more that there is no evidence of zombie involvement whatsoever."

Civil unrest has quieted down somewhat since yesterday, but several areas are still unsafe for travel while riot police try to contain looting and vandalism.

As expected, we have still been unable to contact the mayor's office. How much longer the mayor can remain locked in his office while his secretary blocks his incoming calls is anyone's guess.

Anti-zombie tensions lead to rioting

DLCI — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:17:52 +0000

The events of the last few days have sparked a fervor of pro-zombie and anti-zombie tensions that are sweeping the country. Both sides seem charged by allegations that zombies were involved in the collapse of a young asian child, even though forensic analysis and the official police reports deny any zombie involvement.

While pro-zombie outrage has been strong, anti-zombie sentiments have been the worst, with a seemingly grassroots undercurrent of zombie hatred bubbling over into full blown rioting. Several major cities exploded with riots that have lasted the better part of the day, with looting, vandalism and random violence, directed towards zombies, throwing the urban areas into chaos.

The worst of it took place in suburban long island new york, with roving anti-zombie gangs brutally attacking any undead-american they came across. These gangs even went so far as to break into houses owned by zombie citizens, dragging the victims out into the street where they were beaten severely, tied up, and in some cases, set on fire. According to one eyewitness, a Mr. A. Lenn, "It was horrible, these thugs broke into the home of my next door neighbor, pulled him screaming out of his house by his ankles, tied him to a lampost and then poured gasoline on him before igniting him with a torch! How can people do things like this?"

None of the victims of these attacks were seriously injured, but many were traumatized and a few were greatly inconvenienced as one undead man explains, "Do you have any idea how embarassing it is to have to spend an hour on your hands and knees in the middle of the day searching through the grass in your front yard trying to find your eyeballs? It's humiliating! Not to mention I'm going to smell like burnt hamburger for at least a week."

Authorities have tried to contain the unrest but have so far been unsuccessful, as riot police are greatly outnumbered by rioters who remain on the move and have kept police unable to contain the angry mobs to isolated city blocks.

The governor of New York reportedly claimed that all of this madness would stop if Mayor D.L. Seeyi would simply apologize, but we have been unable to verify the authenticity of this quote.

The mayor still has refused to comment and continues to ignore all of our attempts to contact him. Bystanders have reported that he has shut his window-blinds and locked the door to his office, leading political analysts to conclude that he is hiding.

Anti-zombie activists defend Mayor

DLCI — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 09:01:39 +0000

The zombie community has been in an uproar this week over comments made by the mayor several days ago, following the collapse of a small asian child in front of his computer. Mayor D.L. Seeyi claimed that zombies were to blame and zombie leaders across the nation have expressed their anger over the apparently baseless insinuation that zombies were responsible for the small boy's comatose state. The Mayor's office has yet to make any further statement, however, not everyone was upset with the mayor's remarks.

In a press conference held earlier today, Warm Bodies, an anti-zombie activist group considered by some to be dangerous extremists, commended the mayor on his vigilance. During the press conference, Warm Bodies spokesman, a Mr. R. Headley, defended the mayor's position: "What has happened to this country that hating and fearing zombies has suddenly become politically incorrect? They live in our communities and pretend to be law-abiding citizens, but let's not kid ourselves. They are the living dead. An unnatural abomination that exist only to plague the living. I mean, HELLO! They want to eat your brains. The ones who say they don't want to eat your brain are really just waiting until you let your guard down, damn [sic]graveleavers[sic]..."

Following Mr. Headley's undead slur, members of various zombie's rights groups burst into the conference and began shouting obscenities at Mr. Headley for several minutes until security was able to escort them out.

Once order was restored, Mr. Headley resumed his address, "Well, yes, back to the real issue, which is the tragic collapse of the poor boy in front of his computer. The liberal media love to twist and contort any facts that might somehow be viewed as "offensive to the undead". How can you claim the mayor was wrong to blame zombies? The kid was playing a video game involving zombies! I mean, what other proof do you need? He may have played other videogames leading up to his collapse but the direct trigger was the zombies, plain and simple. There's no arguing with the facts. We would all be a lot better off if they'd stay dead like they are supposed to."

We have still been unable to contact the mayor's office for a response, though, under the condition that he remain anonymous, an aide in the mayor's office came forward to say, quote, "what the hell is wrong with you people", end quote.

We will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Zombie Leader demands apology

DLCI — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 23:06:55 +0000

After extensive investigation and forensic testing, it has been ruled that zombies were NOT involved in the collapse of the small boy. According to head detective J. Bond, "The dumb kid just played too many video games, most of which did not involve zombies."

This news comes as a shocking reversal of yesterday's comments made by Mayor D.L. Seeyi. In wake of the discovery, zombie leaders across the country have been quite vocal in their demands for an apology, in particular the Reverend L. Brainley, who declared at a news conference earlier this morning, "Long has the undead-american man suffered under the yoke of discrimination and oppression from the living. And why? Because a few delinquent zombies eat the brains of the living? Is it justified to bear such malice against the rest of the undead-american community over the actions of a few bad apples? I call on you, Mr. Mayor, to set an example for the rest of the country to follow, we seek nothing less than an unconditional public apology."

Several messages were left with the Mayor's secretary but his office has yet to respond.

Zombies fear reprisal

DLCI — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:45:53 +0000

A spokesman for the zombie pride organization says that zombie leaders fear reprisal over latest events. More on this story as it develops.