Corned Beef Education & Research Network RSS Feed

:: COMMENCEMENT ::

Snuffles — Mon, 10 Jul 2023 20:00:13 +0000

After our scientists of the past extracted tachyon particles from absconded corned beef tins exposed to A-bomb tests, management decided a soft reboot of the timeline was in order to secure the facility's reemergence into the present.

That was nearly 8 years ago and although research initially proceeded unhindered, our meddling with time created new significant timeline events that nearly collapsed the Research Network.

1. Beefxit - A public vote predicated on the belief that the British public did not want to be ruled by the Bovine Union (BU), with one Minister quoted as saying the people 'have had enough of corned beef experts'.

The passing of this referendum cut a large majority of the funding here at CERN, halting a lot of our research into Aeronautical Bread and Butter Consistency (Aero B&B)

Internal inquires have since concluded a mass-misinformation campaign was conducted by our East-European rivals over at SPAM to secure themselves more funding and influence.

2. Cowvid-19

A global pandemic which originated at the annual Bull Hits musical festival, which that year was held in China's Moohan district. The resulting international hysteria lead to major population loss among the cow and calf community.

Although collaborations between ourselves, Piezer-BullNTech and Mooderna helped create a vaccine to combat said virus, animal vaccination deniers hindered our plans for 100% herd immunity. A significant number of test subjects therefore were unavailable for research.

Strict lockdown measures led to a number of staff working from home but they were left disillusioned by conducting research over Moom Calls and have since resigned.

The Network was in dire straits.

However, seeing as i'm posting this on the internal mail group, we quite obviously continued on to the best of our ability and still remain.

Better still, we have good news!

A huge influx of investment has been secured by admin.

We have sold many of our old and retiring assets to the Saudi Halal Pro League and have funding to see us through for decades.

This is a bold new frontier for Corned Beef research, may we continue to strive for a better tomorrow.

::TEMPORAL TRANSMISSION RECIEVED::

Snuffles — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 20:40:57 +0000

::This message has been recieved on an LCD screen in the Kentucky Fried Corned Beef restaurant adjecent to the research facility::

Greetings shareholders,

You may be wondering why there has been no research news since [[INSERT DATE HERE]]

Unfortunately, experiements with Chrono-Beef had gone awry and the whole facilty (Including Boss-Eye Jeff's Security Hut) has been shifted to 1960.

Fear not, all are well and the facility suffered next to no structural damage.

The good news is that because the facility is on site before it was even constructed, no builders lost their lives when they excavated too near a vampire nest.

The bad news being that an extermination team did not yet go in to remove said vampire nest, a vampire nest which we exposed during our chrono-matter displacement.

But not to worry, although the Undead Killing Kit was transported to our Australian facility years ago, we've had scientists create a powerful Garlic Corned Beef Necklace and Stake Deterrent Device.

Our other environment adaptation project is thus :

Moustache Tech - In an effort to blend in with the locals we are attempting to cultivate adequate moustaches to add gravitas to our World War 2 anecdotes.

As always, Corned Beef research remains a high priority and we hope to return to you with grander ideas and appliances for use in your everyday needs.

- Administration

=================================================

P.S.

In the best interest in everyones health, please avoid asking each other questions such as:

"Why does the facility not exist in the present timeline when it functions fine - heck, more than fine, it's being run perfectly with well educated staff - in the 1960s?"

or

"If the facility was never built, how has it been able to be constructed and even transported back to the 1960s?"

As we are currently without answers. Due to our expert on such matters, Dr. P 'Paradox' McCartney, recently absconded to Liverpool with the notion of starting a musical group.

Public Relations

Snuffles — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 18:44:16 +0000

During the time locked inside, the PR department began extensive research into the best ways to promote Corned Beef.

After careful consideration they concluded that Video Games and their associated media were ripe for Corned Beef exploitation.

At the time the facility lacked a Games Development department, but thanks to the genius of Dr. Cobb and his Oneirology Research team, we were able to re-educate our trepidacious I.T. staff through carefully constructed dream scenarios.

Supposedly time moves much slower in a dream state and participants, who remain aware that they are dreaming even though they are asleep, were able to attend Dr. Cobb's Games Development Seminars together for up to fifty years of dream time for every 10 hours of sleep here at CERN.

The project was a tremendous success and 5 of the 104 participants who woke up with healthy mental faculties were able to spend the past few months creating a dazzling new video game.

Corn of Duty: Beef Ops will be hitting the shelves this coming March.

Purchase is compulsory for all CERN employees.

-- Administration

The facility has re-opened

Snuffles — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 12:35:10 +0000

After believing a discarded egg sandwich in the parking lot was active nuclear material, the A.I. here at CERN did its duty and sealed off the facility until the threat had been eliminated.

Unfortunately, with all staff already inside and communications to the outside world disabled, we've been kept inside these nine months until a wandering tramp took the sandwich for his dinner.

To all concerned friends and relatives, your loved ones are mostly fine. We have of course been busy with our research throughout this time and have actually improved CERN mortality rates.

All staff will be free to leave following Sunday lunch and all severed limbs will be mailed to their respective owners tommorow morning.

All flights grounded.

Snuffles — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 18:17:21 +0000

Due to miscommunication between the Hashdroponic labs and the Waste Disposal department, there is currently a high amount of weaponised corned beef blazing away in the furnace.

Current estimates suggest the noxious sulphuric chemicals and smoke currently blanketing the skies surrounding the facility will not clear until 06:00 Wednesday.

As this 'Volcanic Hash' wreaks havoc with the paint work on aeroplanes and space shuttles, all flight craft will remain locked in their hangars until further notice.

Therefore, if you need to leave the facility to travel far, we suggest you do so by using the 'Wormhole-A-Tron'

- Administration

N.B. The competition to rename the 'Wormhole-A-Tron' ends this Friday, so get those entries in.

Return

Snuffles — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:57:55 +0000

Although the date of this announcement may indicate that it's been a rather long time since our last post. It has in fact been next to no time at all.

An investigation has concluded that on September 4th, 2009, one Dr. D. Lister was responsible for an accident in the Temporal Science & Advertising Laboratries, leaving the whole facility in a state of suspended animation.

Fortunately, however, an interuption in our Reality TV signal reception alerted the A.I. to our absence last week.

Some of you may be worried at not having seen friends and loved ones in so long, but fear not, we have discovered that most of them are still alive and well.

Also, we are glad to report that the Divination Department have been happily proved wrong in the 'Early 2010 Predictions Report' from last year. Therefore, plans to sabotage Corned Beef from an impending invasion from New Zeland have been cancelled.

Lamentably there is bad news. The Custodial Polar Bears appear to have been unaffected by the 'Time Freeze', and somehow managed to infilitrate the Acuity Labs where they devoured several large quantities of our Brain Boosting Corned Beef.

The Bears have since decided to form a union in an effort to improve working conditions, using the banner 'Ursus Dignitas for Ursus Maritimus'.

A plan to isolate and gas these creatures commences this weekend.

In the meantime, please continue to Febreeze your workspaces.

- Administration

Swine Flu

Snuffles — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 19:21:08 +0000

As you are all aware the facility has been in quarantine for several months following the Swine Flu pandemic above ground.

Although at first believed to be a naturally occouring virus, our anti-terror scientists at Steakland Yard in London have discovered that it is in fact a weapon.

They have learned that those ne'er-do-wells from the Mutton Institute of Technology designed the virus in order to forward their own evil ends.

Research on vagabond corpses conclude that MIT's Swine Flu virus creates an overwhelming need for Bacon and other Pig meat, which, when left unsatiated, causes a condition described only as "Head Explosioness".

We are currently working hard on an antidote, yet have also decided to experiment with our very own virus to spread the message of our wonderous Corned Beef. We have named this virus 'Cowpox'.

Unfortunately we have decided to cancel the White Water rafting Weekend in an effort to iron out the 'Head Explosioness' problem, along with the newly discovered 'Flailing Genatalia'.

Celebrations

Snuffles — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 21:00:24 +0000

There shall be a party tonight to celebrate the 40th anniversary of CERN's first manned mission to land on the Moon.

Astronauts Neil Armscorn and Edwin 'Beef' Aldrin will be in attendence, and will entertain us with the story of how they collected an ancient fossilized rock containing our precious CERN mineral.

We fondly remember Neil's famous words...

"One small corned beef can, one giant meat for mankind"

Celebrations commence at 10:30pm in the anti-gravity suite, so please see Tracy or Sheila on Level 2 for pre-party enemas.

Attendance will be MANDATORY. Without the CERN space program we would never have created the technology for the holodeck, the teleporter system, or the corned beef hash.

Thankyou.

Notice

Snuffles — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 20:24:05 +0000

The joint task force set up by the Corned Intelligence Agency and the Federal Beefs of Investigation have concluded that our rivals at the Mutton Insititue of Technology were behind the recent fracas at the June Water Park Outing.

The administration have deemed it necessary to send out the Gravy Seals and the Spam Air Service to infiltrate their compound and eliminate all hostiles.

Incase of retaliation all hovercraft laser-tag races have been postponed until further notice.

Budget Adjustments

Snuffles — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 13:51:21 +0000

Due to the Global recession there is no choice but to impose numerous money-saving restrictions here at CERN:

1. Holodecks 45 - 98 will only be active for 12 hours a day.

2. Brown bread now has priority over White.

3. All Cow-hybrid experiments will only be active during weekends.

4. The teleportation system will replace all elevators, escalators and stairs.

5. Transfering the AI system into the Cornobots will be put on hold until further notice. Human brain transfers, however, may proceed as planned.

6. We will hereby sever all communication will the Cassini outpost. We wish them luck and hope the Jupiter stock market picks up quicker than ours.

- Administration.