Hello, I am sergeant 9 gag, I am a meme master

Please play practice rounds before you try going up against me. Don't bother complaining on the forums because you aren't gonna get heard. Get good or get kicked from the game faglord.

;)

>Be 15
>Name is Sam Smith
>Trying to summon shrek
>Never works
>Hears on his wannabe black people website that you have to go into the woods
>Goes camping
>Leaves L4D2 on
>Sitting in the woods
>Chants the words of shrek
>He was thinking of being Kozaks friend while doing this
>The fire turns green
>Shrek jumps out of it
>"Shrek! You're here! Spread your onion ♥♥♥ PLEASE!"
>Shrek starts masturbating in front of Sam
>Something goes wrong
>A naked asian man jumps out from behind shrek
>It's Kozak
>They both start masturbating
>"OH KOZAK BE MY FRIEEEEEND!"
>Kozak ejaculates soy sauce all over Sam
>Shrek ejaculates Onion ♥♥♥ all over Sam
>Kozak looks at shrek
>"Rooks rike you rast ronger again!"
>He jumps into shreks ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
>Shrek takes it like an ogre
>"Now thats what I call a tight fit laddie."
>He leaps back into the fire
>Sam is left there covered in onion ♥♥♥ and soy sauce with his small mediocre white ♥♥♥♥ hanging out
>Shrek is love
>Kozak is my friend because I watch filthy frank

>Be 15
>Name is Alberto Rivas
>Finds out about shrek
>Says it's ♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded and goes on his computer
>computer won't start up
>"What the ♥♥♥♥? Computer quit ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ around!"
>The computer pops up but instead of windows it's shreks face
>The audio turns on
>"I won't be 'avin any of that talk in me swump laddie."
>Shrek appears behind Albert
>He gets on his knees for shrek
>"Don't worry laddie, I'll show ya the way of tha swump"
>Shrek pulls his kilt down
>Alberto puts his mouth around shreks ♥♥♥♥
>It barely fits but he does it for shrek
>Shrek lets out a roar
>onion ♥♥♥♥ into Albertos mouth
>Alberto flies back from the mass force of his thick onion ♥♥♥
>♥♥♥ flows from his mouth and he is covered
>"Put your ♥♥♥♥ in my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ogre lord!"
>Shrek turns around before he leaps out of the window
>"Not today lassie first you have to prove yourself, go see the prophet Vasili"
>He leaps out of the window
>Alberto is now a follower of shrek and asks for Vasili's love every day
>He says no but he will warm up
>(He won't)
>The end