This is my my last journal for this blog because this is not private anymore, Here's something I wrote when I was in the hospital.

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ everything up. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up my job and I couldn't take it. I couldn't face my coworkers. I took NyQuil, Whisky and my anxiety meds and tried to overdose. I wasn't sure it would kill me, but I was confident it would knock me out. I went to the creek in the hopes that when I passed out I might drown, which is a death I romanticized some time ago. I couldn't drown myself and the cold water was keeping me up, so I walked back home and went to bed. This was the first time I felt a kind of regret in a suicide attempt, but it was already to late.I figured either it kills me in my sleep, or I would just sleep for a while, wake up, and everything would just go back to normal. Instead I ended up throwing up. And because of that, I got my brother involved in all of this. I wanted to keep this side of myself far away from him, but he had to call an ambulance because I tried to kill myself.

I also ruined my mom's vacation because now she'll be worried about me and blaming herself for not doing anything and leaving. And when I get back, she won't trust me with medicine or anything sharp. And my extended family also knows about this, going back home is going to be very different.

On top of that,I still don't know how to handle my job. I can't work there, but I can't quit. And I don't want my mom to have to support me all my life, but I can't function in society.

It would have better off if I died. Life is going to be so different now and I'm dragging everyone through this again.

I guess I could add to that thy my mother now thinks i'm gay, and then change that to she figured out I wish I was a girl. Wish I actually had the strength to drown myself or buy a gun, but instead I'm still here, dealing with the same ♥♥♥♥, with a whole lot more eyes on me.

Well Goodbye forever. Not because, as I planned, I killed myself, but because I'm shutting down this blog.

I wish i wasn't too scared to do this. I walked out to the creek to fie, but not to where I wanted. It's too dark and I don't have shoes so I went to only the first spot. Now I'm just waiting here regretting everything and waiting for the drugs to kick in and me to pass out. I'm not sure I had enough to kill me, so hopefully I fall in and drown.

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥ everything up. I can't do it. I can't support myself. I can't function in society. Hopefully I can kill myself this time though. I still don't have the confidence to buy a gun, but hopefully I can overdoes or drown or something.

Have you ever been associated with a product due to an offhand remark or use of it so that that people assume you love it and give you more? It's happened to me a couple times, including this birthday, which is why I'm thinking of it.

The first and most infuriating time was when I was young and trying out soaps to find out one I like. I tried some Axe at one point, and it was horrible. I didn't want to waste it, so I decided to use it till it's out, and my family assumed that I was in love with Axe. My Grandparents got me this beauty basket filled with a bunch of Axe deodorants sprays and soaps. I had to explain to them that I only used Axe because It was what I had, I hated how it smelled and felt and looked. (Seriously, their soaps freak me out)

About two years ago my father attempted to change and for once actually listened to me. Of course, he didn't listen to me before than, so all the info about me before then he missed. And when we stayed over, and I wasn't able to get out of it feigning sickness, I avoided him, so he didn't get much info about me. I love the Cello and still do, but quit because my teacher was really mean. I then went to try my other dream, the flute. Apparently my mouth was too big, and the blah blah blah, we do stupid things to get with our crushes, and I went to play trombone. I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hated it and quit. My tertiary musical interest was guitar, but they didn't teach that at school. My dad only caught the last part, so my Christmas gift was a starter Guitar. At least it was something I had some interest in, and at least my dad listened for once. If only he changed more.

My mom went on vacation and got me a bracelet as a souvenir. I wore it pretty much everyday because I'm sentimental and a mama's boy. So now my mom assumes I love bracelets, and gave me one for my birthday. It's pretty nice, but kinda feminine so I won't wear it in public.

I don't really know the point of all this, or how I should feel. I guess it's the thought that counts, but it kinda sucks when everyone pretend to cares bout you and know you for a day and fail so miserably. I don't mind if all I am to someone is some useless superficial fact, but I just wish it was at least the right one. I hate holidays because of this.

Americans have this thing where we take some part of our heritage and act like it defines us and separates us from other Americans, when it has no influence on us. I fell into that with my German heritage. I hate pretty much everything about myself. I hate being black, so I identified with my mother being German than me being black. I was never really that connected with Germany, the most I was is that my mom would occasionally make spaetzle and we learned Aufhören when she got pissed at us. But I still tried my hardest to take in German Culture. I Tried learning German, and was horrible at it. I was given an opportunity to visit Germany through People 2 People, but my father is an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and wouldn't let me go. That's another even longer story, but basically that crushed my dreams of "being German." Then I grew up and realized I am who I am, even if I hated it.

And that is why my name is temporarily "The Fake German." This happened a couple years ago, I'm just bringing back something old for my Birthday.