this lil dumb ass asian ♥♥♥♥♥ walks into the pharmacy like:
"ay yo, gimme my drugs"
I was like: "aight bro, just lemme get yo name"
n i go to the computer n find out who this ♥♥♥♥♥ is.
after like 10 seconds this ♥♥♥♥♥ was like: "bruh, where my drugs at"
i was like: "ay hold on man, only been like 10 seconds"
so then i go on my way gettin this lil ole asian lady her drugs

i get everything situamated, n bring her the good ♥♥♥♥ in a bag.
she says, "what in the bag"
"♥♥♥♥♥, its yo damn drugs the ♥♥♥♥ u think in the bag, a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ car?"
"oh ard." she look in the bag, brings out a bag of cocaine, n some o that good kush.
then she says, "AY YO HOL UP WHERE MY COCAINE AT"
i was ♥♥♥♥♥♥ confused cuz this lil ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ holdin up a bag of cocaine, and askin where the cocaine at.
so i said, "yo, u a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ or what? u got that ♥♥♥♥ in ur hand."
she say "BUT THIS AIN'T THE RIGHT KIND OF COCAINE"

BRUH ITS THE SAME ♥♥♥♥ I YO ASS GOT LAST TIME. U WANT ME TO ♥♥♥♥♥♥ SPIT IN IT? WOULD IT BE THE RIGHT KIND THEN?

so then i took the bag of coke to the back room and spit in it.
then i handed it to her, and let her go on her way.

♥♥♥♥ kids.

Not in a pedophilic way, but in the way that you just wanna punt their little heads across a football field into a giant pile of ♥♥♥♥, which then turns into quicksand causing them to slowly sink into a messy whirlwind of diarrhea.

Yeah, that way.

I was just sitting at home today, mindin' my own business and jackin' off, when suddenly the loudest mother ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ alarm I've ever heard in my life goes off. It was like the walls of my apartment became sentient and started screaming at me for jacking off in the middle of the day. I had just about ♥♥♥♥ my pants. Though, to be fair, not the first time i ♥♥♥♥ my pants while masturbating. \

I quickly made my way outside my apartment, and found that it was not just my own apartment that had suddenly evolved lungs and a mouth, but the entire apartment building as well. By this time, most of the building's residents had also made their way out of the building and across the street. Like me, they were all confused. However, unlike me, all of them had pants on.

Eventually, the alarm subsided, and everyone re-entered their homes and went about their depressing lives. However, not I.

I wanted to know.

Who was the foul villain that pulled the alarm?

I had to know.

I was already erect at the prospect of catching this evildoer. My justice boner was compounded by the fact that I didn't even get to finish jerking off before this incident.

With haste I made my way towards the building's security room. Like a snake, I slithered my way through the cracks of the room's door because ♥♥♥♥ you. I propped myself down in front of the camera feeds and went searching

And suddenly, my dreams were shattered.

IT WAS JUST A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ KID.

As quickly as my boner came, it died, shriveled up and retracted itself into my testicles.

I expected something more. I expected a demon with dark black skin, yet also with bright white teeth. I expected him with a slice of watermelon and piece of chicken in hand, laughing at me as he ran away faster than any white man could run. I expected him to taunt me with colloquialisms native to residents in poor inner-city areas, and say:
"Whatchu gon' do 'bout it lil' ♥♥♥♥♥?"

I was not satisfied. So I went home, jacked off, and am now writing this entry covered in used tissues, moist lotion, and my own salty tears.

Recently, I had to go to the doctor's office for a check-up, because apparently they need to keep track of how big my ♥♥♥♥ is. Aside from that, my school needs an up-to-date physical for me. Because apparently I'm not "mature" enough to decide if my asthma, which hasn't been a problem since I was 3 ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ years old, is a life-threatening problem. Originally, my parents were like "♥♥♥♥ it, we'll do that when school starts" which is a pretty ♥♥♥♥♥♥ mind-set in the first place.

Then, I find out that to get my permit, they also need my doctor to fill out something that literally only asked "Do you do drugs?"

Finally, about a week ago, we went to get all of this ♥♥♥♥ sorted out. I walk up to the lady at the front desk. I hand her the papers that need to be filled out. However, she stopped, stared at the paper for my permit, and asked me, in the stupidest, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ voice "Uh, where are the other papers?"

Oh, you mean the other papers that the doctor literally has no need to fill out, because all that those papers require are my own signature? Yeah, I didn't bring them.

Then she says this, "Well, we need all of the papers, so we know that this is actually for a permit, and not for something illegal."

SOMETHING ILLEGAL. YES. I CAN USE THIS ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ PAPER TO COMMIT A HEINOUS CRIME. Because obviously to be a criminal, you need to have a signed paper from your doctor, indicating that you DON'T ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ DO DRUGS. YES.

The logic on this woman was astounding. Even more so, is that the form I handed her also has a form number, specifically DL-180. Any ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ idiot with a computer can search that up on google, and confirm that it is indeed a permit form.

P.S: DL-180. DL. DRIVER'S LICENSE YOU STUPID ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥

I've recently started doing community service at my local library (again), so that I don't need to do it during the school year. I very much regret making this decision. For one, community service cuts into the time that I could be masturbating. So basically, I've been walking around with blue balls for about 3 days at a time. Second, the people there are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Even the asian ones. For example, just today, I greet an old asian man walking into the library, since I work at the front desk. He doesn't respond, and instead walks up to me, so close in fact, that I can smell the ♥♥♥♥ on his breath. As I'm trying to not gag, he asks me in the most BROKEN ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ENGLISH, "Where is the manager?". I, at this point, am still trying to get over his diahrrea breath, and ask him to repeat the question, because he has BROKEN ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ENGLISH. He gets agitated, and asks me if I speak Dalian Chinese, probably the most ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ remote chinese dialect that I can only assume asian dinosaurs speak. Obviously, I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ don't, and he laughs, and calls me a "Stupid American" in Mandarin.

Okay, so I have A LOT to say about this ♥♥♥♥♥♥.
First of all, IF YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SPEAK MANDARIN, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST COMMUNICATE WITH ME IN MANDARIN YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ POTATO
Second of all, WHAT THE ♥♥♥♥ IS DALIAN. I HAD TO ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ GOOGLE THAT ♥♥♥♥.
Third of all, YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME, FOR NOT SPEAKING THE MOST REMOTE CHINESE DIALECT, WHEN YOU CAN BARELY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ SPEAK ENGLISH. YOU LIVE IN ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ AMERICA YOU IDIOT. LEARN ENGLISH YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ILLITERATE YELLOW PIG
Which leads to my next point.
YOU CAN'T CALL ME A STUPID AMERICAN, WHEN YOU LIVE IN AMERICA TOO YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ STUPID BAMBOO EATING DILDO

Dear Brad,
GET. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. WRECKED.

-Alex Lam