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Character backstories
20 Sep, 2016 @ 9:12pm - Jack Clock
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I DID IT AGAIN!
24 Jun, 2016 @ 10:38pm - Jack Clock
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I did it!
24 Jun, 2016 @ 7:22pm - Jack Clock
Seeing as how Steam is acting like an Ass again:

The Great Historian: S1E1

(Claudius is sleeping comfortably in his bed, when his alarm clock starts ringing. Claudius, now awake, jumps off of his bed and lands headfirst into the floor.)

Claudius: Owwwww… (Sighs) at least I’m awake.

(Claudius stumbles into his closet, walking out in casual clothing after a few seconds. He walks down the staircase, and stretches his back as he walks over to the kitchen. He passes a glass cupboard, with two books “The history of homosexuality”, and “The problem with history classes”. He opens up the fridge, and pulls out an egg salad, and starts to eat after turning on the TV and an old gramophone playing 20’s jazz. The TV is playing a fictional film called “Nazitime”. Claudius’s eyes widen in utter shock and confusion.)

Claudius: What? (Sighs)… well, let’s see who made this piece of-

(The screen shows “Directed by Mel Gibson”)

Claudius: Why am I not surprised…

(Jumpcut to 2 hours later.)

Claudius: No… you got everything wrong. Not even the uniforms are right! The weapons are from the Cossack Uprising in the 14 century, and the characters look like they are played by college students who were payed in meth instead of actual ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ money! The script is laughable, and don’t get me STARTED, on how it makes the British look like the “Oooooh evil English overlords out to destroy the world oooooooh!”
(Claudius looks around to see who he was talking to, or rather, the lack of anyone he was talking to.)

Claudius: God I am such an idiot… maybe I should be a second-rate history teacher instead of an actual decent historian…

(Claudius turns off the TV and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth and comb his hair. As he is combing his hair, he hears a knock at the door.)

Claudius: (opens door) Hello?

(Standing in the doorway is a mailman, with a letter in his hand, and a mail truck behind him.)
Mailman: Good morning! I have a message for… wait, that’s not right...

Claudius: What’s not right?

Mailman: Who the hell names their kid Claudius?

Claudius: Yes, that’s me. Claudius Johnston.

(Claudius raises out his hand. The mailman does not shake it, and stares at Claudius in confusion.)

Mailman: Were your parents high or something?

Claudius: Listen, it’s a long story. So, please stop insulting my name and hand me the letter.

Mailman: You should seriously legally change your name.

Claudius: I get it! You don’t like my name! Now go away, please!

Mailman: But…

Claudius: ♥♥♥♥ off!

Mailman: but…

Mailman 2: Hey ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥! Let’s move to the other house before this guy strangles us!

Mailman: But this guy’s name-

(Claudius pulls out an 1858 black-powder revolver. The mailman runs the other way, screaming. Claudius walks back inside.)

Claudius: I swear, who hires these people? Anyways, let’s see what’s in this letter…

(Claudius uses a Bowie hunter from his pocket to cut open the letter, and reads it.)

Claudius: Dear Claudius,

I have read your book on history classes, and I think I have a job for you. You see, our last teacher shot hims- I mean left our high school, and we need a new history teacher. We think that you might be a perfect candidate for our school.

-Wendy Colman, James K. Polk high school.

(Claudius turns around the paper to see the coordinates, underneath a splash of what looks
like beer.)

Claudius: Everything I say has to come back and bite me in the ass…

(Claudius gets into a Model T Automobile he repurposed into an electric car and drives away while listening to Bill Haley. When he reaches his coordinates, he looks at the large, dull and drab building.)

Claudius: Well… the cracked paint and rusted gates certainly give off the “school” vibe…

(Claudius opens the main gates as it makes a loud creaking noise. Claudius covers his ears with his shoulders in pain as he pushes the gate open. It is eerily silent, as Claudius looks around to see if anybody is here.)

Claudius: … Hello?

Voice: Hey you.

Claudius: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

(Claudius turns around to see a woman with a clipboard, slightly dozing off. She shakes her head hard in order to stay awake and introduces herself.)

Wendy: Hey, are you that Claudius guy?

Claudius: That would be me.

Wendy: …You look like a pedophile.

Claudius: Umm… ok?

Wendy: Sorry, I am really tired. Just follow me. I, my husband, and the other teachers are having a meeting.

(The two of them step into the teacher’s lounge. Claudius hears lots of voices, including racist speeches and complaining children. He shakes it off, and crosses his fingers to not get any of those students.)

Claudius: I just wanted to ask, how did you find me?

Wendy: That book you wrote about history classes in school was a great read, so I decided to contact you.

Claudius: You mean the book I accidently wrote when I was drunk?

(Wendy stares at him in disbelief.)

Claudius: I made an actual version, don’t worry!

Wendy: Alright. Just… make sure to not have your drinking problem affect you.

Claudius: Actually, I don’t drink.

Wendy: Likely story buddy…

(Claudius sighs, and reaches for the door to the meeting room. The door immediately swings open, smashing Claudius in the face, knocking him to the floor.)

Wendy: for god sakes Phil, look what you’ve done

Phillip: (Incoherent mumbling)

Claudius: Is he ok?

Wendy: This… unsightly creature is “principle” Phillip. I am the vice principle, but I have to do all the work because he is too drunk to even get off his ass.

Claudius: Why do you even let him around any alcohol then?

Wendy: I don’t wanna talk about it…

Claudius: Alright…

(Claudius finds a chair, and makes himself comfortable.)

Claudius: Hey… are there any ice packs here? Or tissues? My nose is starting to bleed.

(An old British man gets out of his table, but several other teachers run into the room and trample him over. He crawls back to his seat in silence.)

Claudius: Its fine, I can hold my head like this.

Wendy: Claudius, put your head down!

Claudius: But…

(Wendy sends a glare at Claudius. He whimpers, and lowers his head.)

Wendy: All of you welcome to the 7th year of James Polk High School!

Claudius: The place went to hell in seven years… new record…

Wendy: Shut up. Anyways, there are some new teachers to our school, and it is up to the old
ones to welcome them. Claudius Johnston, our new history teacher.

Claudius: Why did your old history teacher kill himself again?

Wendy: Claudius, meet your new co-workers.

Claudius: (Annoyed) you didn’t answer my question!

Wendy: Claudius, meet Mr. Bastard, math

(Mr. Bastard sits next to Claudius and peers over him, breathing heavily.)

Bastard: Hail Satan.

Claudius: (Sarcastic) yes, this man seems like the perfect choice for a teacher.

Wendy: Ms. Narrator, English.

Claudius: Who would have a last name like that?

Narrator: And then Claudius asked “Who would have a last name like that?” and then…

Wendy: Shut up!

(Ms. Narrator quiets down. Claudius groans in pain and holds his head. The old British man
notices.)

Fibromyalgia: Sir Fibromyalgia, at your service.

Claudius: And Claudius, at yours…

(Claudius shakes Fibromyalgia’s hand, and blood drips on the teacher’s sleeve.)

Fibromyalgia: Are you alright? You seem pale.

Claudius: No… I’m fine… just a bloody nose…

Wendy: And here we have one of our Science teacher, Mr. Jones.

(In walks a man with suit and tie, with blonde hair and a large smile.)

Wendy: Welcome to our teachers’ lounge.

Claudius: He doesn’t seem so crazy. Maybe there will be more normal teachers-

Jones: What are you doing outside of the kitchen!? Go back home and let the MEN take care of all the business!

Claudius: I swear to god…

Wendy: He is too drunk to handle anything important, ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥…

Jones: How dare a lady talk to me like that!? Next thing you will say is that black people are not out to steal our country from us.

Claudius: What the hell is wrong with…?

(Claudius passes out.)

Wendy: Claudius! Someone check his pulse!

Jones: Stay back! He looks like a communist!

(Fibromyalgia gets out of his seat, and checks Claudius’s pulse.)

Fibromyalgia: He is still alive.

Jones: Damn… (Looks over at Wendy) I would have disposed of that body for you babe…

Wendy: Who the hell do you think you are?

Jones: A true American. I believe in all the American ideals.

Wendy: I didn’t know that sexual harassment was an American ideal…

Jones: That is one of them. I am mostly talking about blind hatred of non-Christian religions,
constant paranoia over communism, preventing the poor from taking over the country, and good old white supremacy.

Wendy: Why did I hire you…?

(Claudius wakes up in a hospital bed. He looks around, and notices a note on his lap. He picks it up.)

Claudius: “Mr. Johnston,
I am sorry about what happened to you during the meeting room. After the meeting, we were going to have an interview with all the new teachers and such, but then you passed out. When you can move your limbs, let us know.”

(Claudius looks at his feet and moves one of them.)

Claudius: Looks like I am good with that…

(Claudius gets out of bed, and falls on the floor.)

Claudius: Never mind.

Wendy: Claudius! Are you awake?

Claudius: Obviously.

Wendy: Well excuse me for trying to help…

Claudius: Anyways, you said you wanted to do an interview. When I can feel my legs again, I
will be ready.

Wendy: To hell with that, I’m carrying you!

Claudius: Wait, should we tell the nurse first?

(Wendy picks up Claudius and storms out of the building. They pass by Claudius’s nurse.)

Nurse: Wait! You are still missing a lot of blood!

Claudius: Wait, what did she-

Wendy: Ignore her

(The two of them reach the parking lot. She looks around for her car.)

Claudius: Let me guess; is it the boring grey one, or the boring black one?

Wendy: Oh shut up…

(The two of them look around. Their eyes both set on a boring grey car pulling up, hitting everything on the way. The window rolls down, revealing Principle Phillip.)

Wendy: Phil, are you kidding me!?

Phil: Sorry honey, I just (hiccups)… couldn’t tell which of the 13 different roads were real…

Wendy: Why I am I not surprised… Claudius, hop in.

(Claudius squeezes himself into the backseat, and Wendy hops into the front passenger seat.)

Phil: (stares at Claudius with eyes half-closed) your funny looking…

Claudius: Do you think it’s safe for a drunken person to be driving?

Wendy: Oh its fine, he is good about that.

Claudius: I take your word on that. (Whispers) please don’t kill us, please don’t kill us…

(Phil starts up the car, and immediately smashes it into a tree.)

Wendy: Phil!

Claudius: I can drive if you want.

Wendy: (in a defeated tone) yes please…

(Wendy grabs Phil by the collar and throws him back into the backseat. Claudius gets into the driver’s seat and carefully backs the car out of a tree.)

Phil: …are we there yet?

(The three arrive back at school, and Wendy and Claudius carry Phil into the principal’s office.)

Wendy: Alright, follow me to the… just follow me.

Claudius: Whatever you say.

(Claudius turns around to immediately recoil away from Mr. Bastard, who was standing right behind him.)

Claudius: Ahh!

Bastard: I heard that you’re going to be the new history teacher, right?

Claudius: Uhh… yes?

(Mr. Bastard grabs Claudius by the shirt collar, and throws him into a wall.)

Claudius: Wha… what the f-

Bastard: How dare you like something that I don’t like!? That, is, BLASHPHEMY!

Claudius: Umm… sorry for offending you…

Bastard: Sorry doesn’t cut it! Your love of history makes me mad beyond comprehension!

Claudius: Then why are you smiling?

Bastard: What? Umm… (Runs off sobbing while tearing off his shoes)

Claudius: Are you alright sir?

Wendy: Ignore him

Claudius: (jumps in the air) Ahhh!

Wendy: He is absolutely crazy. Just keep away from him.

Claudius: Alright… please stop scaring me…

(Wendy grabs Claudius by the arm, and drags him into an empty room with a table in the center. Claudius looks around, and sits down into a chair.)

Claudius: Cozy…

Wendy: Aright, welcome to James Polk High School! I will be asking a few questions for you!

Claudius: Hit me.

Wendy: First question, (pulls out a sheet of paper) what are the time periods in history you
most specialize in?

Claudius: Any

Wendy: Good! Anyways, why do you want to be a history teacher?

Claudius: To teach what needs to be taught, so the mistakes of the past-

Wendy: Whatever that means… next question… wait a minute…

Claudius: What?

Wendy: Oh hell no, oh hell no!

Claudius: what happened?

Wendy: No, no, no, no! You gotta be kidding me!

Claudius: Please just tell me!

Wendy: Phil! Stop touching all of my work!

(Wendy throws the paper away and Claudius grabs it mid-air. It reads:

1. What historical time periods do you specialize in?
2. Why do you want to be a history teacher?
3. Why are there nine of you?
4. What happened last night?
5. You’re funny…

After waiting for Wendy to come back, Claudius sees her stomp into the room, her hair all messed up.)

Claudius: You sure he doesn’t need help?

(Wendy flips him off.)

Wendy: I don’t care anymore, you’re hired…

Claudius: Thank you… but should I have some trai-

Wendy: Your room is 114. Your class begins in an hour.

(Wendy hands Claudius the key.)

Claudius: (sighs)…Alright, I’ll be there.

(Claudius steps out of the “interview” room. He walks around the school, looking for room 114.)

Narrator: …Then, Claudius turned his head left, and then he turned his head right, then…

Claudius: Jesus Christ!

Narrator: He Jumped in the air and yelled “Jesus Christ!”

Claudius: Are you… alright?

(Ms. Narrator looks at Claudius, as if he had just saved her life.)

Narrator: You… you didn’t tell me to be quiet…

Claudius: Yes? Is something wrong?

Narrator: Nobody has ever bothered to help my condition. Thank you.

Claudius: (Confused) I… alright…

(Claudius unlocks the classroom door, and is assaulted by a spiderweb. After shaking off the non-living aggressor, Claudius turns on the light and explores the room. There is a large whiteboard, defaced by an armada of swastikas and cartoon penises. He picks up a school history book, and goes to the first page. His eye is caught on something.)

Claudius: No… this can’t be…

(Claudius puts the book on a desk, and the camera pans to its date. The book was published in 1936.)

Claudius: How have they not updated their books yet? Whatever…

(Claudius wipes off the swastikas from the whiteboard, and sits down at an old wooden desk with a torn revolving chair, and proceeds to fall asleep. An hour later, the bell rings, waking him up. Students eventually walk into the room, and fill into the seats.)

Claudius: Hello, I am your new history teacher, Mr. Johnston. I hope that I will be able to provide a good education to you.

Student: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

Claudius: The first lesson of my career with you shall be the American Revolution. Simple enough…

(The class boos)

Claudius: Glad to see that you are clearly enjoying this class. Anyways, I shall start from the beginning.

Student: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥!

Claudius: So, the American Revolution began exactly right after the 7-years war…

(Fade to a group of British politicians gathered around parchment, talking amongst one another.)

Claudius: (off-screen) you see, the British spent a lot of money on the war against France, and needed a way to pay it all off. Plus, they promised to leave the Native Americans alone, after murdering several tribes with smallpox-infected blankets of course. They signed a treaty with them to not expand their territory beyond the Appalachian Mountains. A choice which angered the British peasantry, who wanted to push beyond those mountains, and quench their disturbing lust for blood, as well as gaining resources.
(Fade to a group of British peasants harassing some redcoats.)
Claudius: The British also thought that the peasantry would willingly pay taxes in order for the crown to pay off war debt. However, many peasants were angered by this, and ordered these taxes to be taken down, over and over again. Eventually, the British were fed up by all of this, and enforced a tax on tea. The peasants were outraged by the very thing they started, and decided to find a way to fight back. It started through secret societies, revolts, and other strange attempts to thwart British rule. Groups like the Sons of Liberty and such were formed, with new ideas of democracy and anti-monarchy. Eventually, it got so out of hand that rebels amassed themselves into an army to fight a civil war against the crown. One day, a standoff at Concord caused already high tensions to explode into full-blown warfare. After many large instances of guerrilla warfare-

(Cut abruptly back to the present.)

Student 2: Gorilla… warfare?

Claudius: No, guerrilla warfare and GORRILA warfare are two different things. Guerilla means a small amount of soldiers using stealth and ambush tactics to win a war. Gorilla means throwing an endless army of gorillas at your opponents until you win.

Student: ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

Claudius: Who keeps saying that!?

Student: Me.

Claudius: (Angrily) well, what is your name?

Trevor: Trevor.

Claudius: Well, Trevor, you should stop saluting the Nazi’s at once, ok?

Trevor: Why is that?

Claudius: Because as a homosexual, that pisses me off greatly!

Wendy: (Behind door) WHAAAT!?

Claudius: Wait… Wendy, are you spying on me?


Wendy: Umm… no, I’m not… this is a figment of your imagination…

Claudius: Wendy, come out.

(Wendy opens the door a crack and peers out, looking horrified, just as the bell rings. Children
rush out of their seats.)

Children: It’s a gay guy! Run away!

Claudius: Wendy, why were you surprised?

Wendy: What are you talking about Claudius?

Trevor: His name is Claudius, hahahahahah!

(The two of them look at Trevor in surprise.)

Claudius: Trevor, what are you doing here?

Trevor: …You are actually gay?

Wendy: Yeah Claudius, is that true?

Claudius: If you are bothered by it, say whatever you want.

Trevor: Heil-

Claudius and Wendy: GO AWAY!

(Trevor leaves, crying.)

Wendy: You know, you are not a very good teacher

Claudius: Well for starters, you didn’t bother to teach-

Wendy: I don’t care. This school needs someone like you. And I don’t care if he happens to
be gay, or a redhead, or whatever.

Claudius: …Are you a homophobe?

Wendy: A bit, yes.

Claudius: Why?

Wendy: I always found it gross to see two people of the same gender in love with each other.
Claudius: Oh trust me; I haven’t fallen in love for ages. There was this cute guy a decade ago, we had small talk… and the next thing I know when I wake up tomorrow, he is gone, my room is a wreck, and I have a Lindsey Graham.

Wendy: A what?

Claudius: It’s a gay term for… let’s not talk about it, ok?

(Mr. Bastard pops open one of the windows outside with his face, and peers into the room.)

Bastard: It means when a-

(Claudius slams the opened window into Mr. Bastard’s face, knocking him off. Claudius slams
the window shut.)

Bastard: (Muffled) Candyass!

Claudius: I should get going, seeing as how the school day is over.

Wendy: Alright, just try not to act too gay, ok?

Claudius: Acting, what the hell do you mean? Is there a certain way gay people ac-

Wendy: Forget I said that!

(Claudius drives back home in his Model T car, and walks tiredly back into his house.)

Claudius: (Tiredly) Home sweet home…

(Claudius locks the door behind him, and goes into his bedroom. Too tired to even get undressed, he flops into his bed.)

Claudius: I can’t believe… that this was only the first day…

(Claudius quickly falls asleep.)


END OF EPISODE
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13 Jun, 2016 @ 8:18pm - Jack Clock
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